I blushed -- and that's not easy for me to do

I never thought this day would come, but apparently it has: i'm an old, conservative fogie. Well, at least when it comes to onesies for my kiddo.

While strolling through the mall last week, i decided to pop into Spencer's to check out the hip/trendy baby gear. River already has a selection of cool onesies like a RUN DMC one and a Bob Marley one (his daddy's personal favorite), but i figured he can't ever be too cool.

The minute i started looking at the offerings my jaw fell on the floor. I'm no prude -- ask my girlfriends -- but i just don't want my kid to be in anything that says:

• I love my mom...even though she's a B!TCH (I added the !)


• I love to suck titties


• My dad is a magician. He put his wand in mom's box and I popped out


• Watch your F$cking mouth, there's a baby over here!

I could go on, but this is a family blog!

River will have to make do with the hip onesies at Wally World that say things like

• If you think i'm handsome, you should see my daddy


• Wild Child

Maybe a sign i'm not ready for a kid

Yesterday i made the mistake of strapping my purse into the cart at Wally World. Why was this a mistake? Because when it came time to leave, i couldn't figure out how to unhook my dang purse. I tried for 5 minutes and then had to go ask the door greeter to help me (in my defense, she struggled too). All i could think during this was: "OMG, what if this was River?! My kid would be freaking stuck in the basket!"

So after that incident, i've decided to rock it out old school style -- no seat belts or safety straps for my kid (it worked for me in the 80s -- look how good i turned out!)