Reason #4,590 why i shouldn't take River to Wal-Mart

I've told you guys how Riv attracts the crazies at Wal-Mart (remember crazy tomato lady?). Apparently this is not just a fluke, he really does get mommy into the craziest conversation.

The most recent event occurred last Friday. I was looking through the giant $5 DVD bin. Riv was in the basket, but close enough to grab DVD and throw them in our cart. He was having a blast and of course as adorable as can be. An older gentlemen -- old enough that he a Korean War Vet hat on --came up and started looking through the bin. He told me how cute Riv was, and then this conversation took place:

Vet: (pointing at Riv) I wish i had about 5 or 6 of them living with me.
ReRe: I just smiled and nodded (trying not to be a little freaked by his comment -- my job makes me leery of dudes who want 5 or 6 boys living with them).
Vet: I live alone and would love 5 or 6 of him at my house. I love kids.
ReRe: Little ones are lots of fun (oh great! now anyone listening to our convo thinks we are both creepo deepos)
Vet: My great-grandkids are my life. They are who i live for.
ReRe (feeling less freaked): That's sweet. Parenthood is amazing, but i hear being a grandparent is more so.
Vet: I love kids. and let me tell you, if i was in here and saw someone hitting or even yelling at someone his age or even older I would beat the Sh!t out of them. I would beat their faces in.
ReRe (freaked out again. I mean, i totally get what he's saying, and feel the same way, but wow, where did this convo just turn): Yeah....it's sad when folks mistreat children.
Vet: I'd beat the tar out of them. Beat their faces in. I'm 80, but i can take a 20 year-old. I did combat training in the war. I can take a 20 year-old like it's nothing.
ReRe: Awesome....have a good day!

I think hurried away to another section, only to have to return back to the DVD bin to put back the 15 copies of Weekend at Bernie's that Riv had put in our cart. Yes, Vet was still there. No, i didn't stop and talk.

My life on the wild side

So James and I recently got a Sam's membership. I initially thought we'd save tons of money on diapers -- but what i found out is just because it's at Sam's doesn't mean it's cheaper. So we still buy our diapers at Wally Word. But we are loving Sam's if for nothing but the samples! Is it sad that my favorite "date" is walking through Sam's with James. What makes it even better is that James is a vegetarian and a picky eater in general, so he doesn't like 99 percent of samples...so i get double!

Let me set the scene:

We stalk the best samples. If the sample lady is not ready (why does it take them so long? just set out the dang rotisserie chicken, it ain't gotta be an art display), we pretend to look at other things beside her. "Ooooh baby! look at these frozen peas!" "oh yeah, those look nice...all 66 pounds of them."

And then when she's ready, we SWOOP in.

ReRe: oooh, chicken! I didn't see these when i walked by earlier. Hey babe, here's some chicken i think you'd like!
James: (in his best meat-eater voice) Yum, that looks good.

We both grab chicken samples. I gobble mine. Once we round the corner and are out of ear shot of the sample lady (because she would even care), James always looks down at his sample and says the same thing: Oh my, i just remembered i don't eat meat. I guess you better eat this.

And i gobble his (well, i share with River)!

Now, you are probably laughing at me that i take my sample sneaking so seriously. Heck, the sample lady could probably care less if took two chicken wings instead of one. But i've lived a relatively low-key, no-trouble life (i live all the gangsta living up to my brothers), so this is my once a week to be a bad mamma jamma -- don't steal my thunder!

You say tomato, i say you crazy

If i didn't know me, i'd swear that half the stories on this blog were made up. It's kinda like how in a soap opera you have that one character who has come back from the dead, been kidnapped, had her baby daddy's DNA results switched with her brother, found out she had an evil twin and spent half a year in a coma and you can't help but wonder how the heck do folks expect you to believe ALL that crap would happen to one person?!

I'm sure some of you ask yourselves the same thing about me when i tell some of the random things strangers say to me. But i swear, it's all true. I even find myself avoiding strangers because i know there's no way i can explain yet another "random stranger said this to me" story. But for some reason strangers love saying the weirdest crap to me.

Take this past Sunday in Wally World for example:

James and i are in the produce sections grabbing our last few items before we head to our Mother's Day lake picnic. I'm carrying River (mistake #1, he is a weirdo magnet! well, he's so dang cute that he attracts everyone, but weirdos love him) and checking out the tomatoes.
A normal looking lady walks up and starts looking at the tomatoes too. The maters were actually really nice looking, which i guess inspired her to share some randomness with me:

Crazy tomato lady: These look good!
ReRe: Yea, they actually do.
Crazy tomato lady: My grandpa used to grow the biggest, best tomatoes. My mom would just go out to the garden with a salt shaker, grab a tomato and eat it up right there in the garden.
ReRe: I bet that was nice!
Crazy tomato lady: Well, not really. He was an abusive man who beat the crap out of her daily and withheld food so tomatoes were actually the only thing she really ate.
ReRe (i just stare blankly at her. i have no clue what to say for awhile): Man...that sucks.
Crazy tomato lady: Yea...but the tomatoes were gorgeous.

Seriously?!

I either need to stop taking River to the grocery store or stop wearing my "I like to blog about your craziness, please come talk to me" shirt.

Oh, so that's where babies are made!

I'll admit it. I have a cute kid. Even if he wasn't mine, i'd still think he was a cutie patootie. I also admit that our shopping trips take at least a half-hour longer because folks want to oogle him. We get the expected comments "He's so cute" "look at those big brown eyes" "i love his hair" etc.

But we got the strangest comment/conversation during a recent shopping trip. River and I were perusing the pharmacy section while James waited on a prescription. A guy who could probably replace Bernie Mac in the Kings of Comedy smiled at me a few times and nodded at River. He mumbled. Most folks wouldn't have known what he said, but since I have a lot of uncles (and a daddy) who could be members of the Kings of Comedy, i speak southern-drawl-black man. He was saying River was a good looking young man.

When James walked up to us, Pharmacy Bernie Mac gave James a fist bump (i was proud that James knew what to do!). While fist bumping, Bernie Mac said:

That's a good looking boy you got there. You didn't get him from Wal-Mart. Nope, that kid was made in the bedroom!

And then he did a creepy grunt/giggle.

How do you respond to that?! James, who doesn't speak southern-drawl-black man, didn't think he heard him correctly. But oh yeah, that's what he said.

So yes ladies and gents, you do not get Rivers at Wally World. They are strictly made in the bedroom.

Maybe a sign i'm not ready for a kid

Yesterday i made the mistake of strapping my purse into the cart at Wally World. Why was this a mistake? Because when it came time to leave, i couldn't figure out how to unhook my dang purse. I tried for 5 minutes and then had to go ask the door greeter to help me (in my defense, she struggled too). All i could think during this was: "OMG, what if this was River?! My kid would be freaking stuck in the basket!"

So after that incident, i've decided to rock it out old school style -- no seat belts or safety straps for my kid (it worked for me in the 80s -- look how good i turned out!)