I'm BAAAACCCKKK!

Remember that girl with the funny blog? What happened to her? Well, i heard she had a crappy desktop computer that she'd have to get up uber early in the mornings to warm up and then pray that an hour later it would be working so she could blast out some funny. Sometimes it would be ready, and sometimes it wouldn't' :(

and then one early November morning she'd crafted a hilarious Potluck Friday and the computer froze. She lost her mind, yelling and screaming and maybe saying some potty words. She told her husband (who has a direct connection to Santa) that she needed a laptop and she would NOT be rambling until Santa brought her one.

Sooo, Santa recently made an early visit and dropped off a shiny HP and some WiFi and now that funny girl is back!

Here are some snippits of hilarity that have taken place in casa de Ramblings the last month:

• I was painting my toe nails last weekend and River was so intrigued by it. I'd stroke some paint on, and he'd rub it off with his finger. He just couldn't stay away from me. So me, being the open-minded mama i am, decided to paint his toe nails. So i sat him down and painted his first toe. He flipped out and was not a fan, so i wiped it off. "Well, he hates toe nail polish...he just passed the gay test," i told daddy. Daddy's quick response:" Wow, and mama just passed the 'I'm Sally Kern test.'" SLAM!
  
• My phone charger recently died, so i headed to the T-Mobile store for a new one. I searched high and low on the wall and displays, but could not find one for my phone. So i went and asked a worker.
  Me: I can't find a charger for my phone.
  Him: What kind is it?
  Me: I have a MyTouch (I pull it out)
  Him: Ugh....you have the OLD Mytouch.
  Me: (i'm confused. i got my phone when it came out, less than two years ago. it's not my fault technology changes faster than Kim Kardashian's husbands)
  
  He then digs through what i'm sure is an electronics trash can and hands me an unpackaged old blackberry charger that he said will work and i can have for free because i'm the only loser in the world still using the MyTouch that came out in 2010. He acted like i drove up in a Gremlin and wanted a new carburetor. Whatevs! my phone is fully charged and i didn't spend a dime!
  
• Last night i watched the most disturbing show: The Virgin Diaries. Apparently TLC has put their obsession with little people and folks with too many dang kids on hold to showcase 35 year old virgins. Don't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with being a 35 year-old virgin, but is it necessary to go on TV and let every body know our business?! Some highlights from the show was the chick who was a "reclaimed virgin." She said she'd slept with her past 7 boyfriends, but was now a reclaimed virgin. Umm, no, you are just a lady who has had a rough patch on the dating scene. I was also entertained by the dude who invited his mom over to tell her he was a virgin. Ummm, I never want to have that kind of openness with River...and that mother had the same feeling. But the BEST part of the show was the couple who was saving their first kiss for their wedding...again, that's your business, but a camera crew is not necessary. Stranger than the couple, were their friends and family who were just too interested in their first kiss and wedding night. But nothing, and i mean NOTHING can top their first kiss (i just wanna know why they thought this was how normal kissing is done. haven't they ever watched a movie, or gathered around their kissing friends in middle school to gawk. either one of those experiences should have told them that what they are doing in front of God, and their loved ones is NOT kissing):
  

Crap happens -- and ruins blogs!

So I've been getting a lot of crap lately about my irregular blogging. I'm not gonna call anyone out (cristina, james, emily, terah, kasie), but they know who they are.
In my defense, my mornings are jammed packed ever since a 15 pound meat loaf named River came into my life. Every morning i have every intention of blogging, but that doesn't always happen.

Let me tell you a story i like to call: Monday, April 4, 2011.

All weekend I was thinking about my blog topics for the week. I knew exactly what i was going to blog about Monday, April 4, 2011. I was actually on track to get to write the post. And then crap happened. Literally. CRAP.
Before i go there, let me give you a peek at what the mornings usually look like:

4:20 a.m. alarm goes off so i can hook up the the dairy machine (also known as pumping so my boy can eat at day care)
4:45 a.m. i actually wake up to hook up to the dairy machine
5:15 a.m. finish pumping, but on my gym clothes
5:30 a.m. head to the gym to work off 9 months of River and 29 years of living the delicious life
6:15 a.mish return from gym. cook breakfast for the hubby and me. while james feeds river cuddle my boy
6:45 blog (but doesn't always happen)
7:00 shower
7:20-7:50 hair, makeup, get dressed, cuddle my boy more while daddy gets him dressed
7:50-8:10 hook up to dairy machine again
8:10-8:15 pack diaper bag
8:15 leave for work, drop river off at daycare, work by 8:30

That's the usual. except on Mondays when James goes to work at 7 a.m. So that brings us to Monday, April 4, 2011.
I'm on track to get my blog in. I've got River in his high chair, i'm feeding him some cereal with one hand, also using that hand to feed myself some cereal (not his, but some special k) while i'm also hooked to the dairy machine. All is going well. I've got 10 more mins on the dairy machine, i'm going to dress Riv and go blog.

Rewind.
When i put River in his highchair, i noticed a funny smell. I didn't know what it was or where it was coming from. I figured it was his double chin (babies get funky chins/necks sometimes when drool and milk get stuck in the rolls) so i figured i'd just wipe him down real good.
We finish breakfast. I take him to the room, strip him, wipe off the funk, lotion him up and put his clothes on. I pick him up to cuddle him and realize he still smells funky. then i notice a tiny blob of poo on the changing table. That's weird. I had just checked his diaper and he was clean. But there was poop on the changing table. I take off his clothes and check his diaper again. No poop, BUT a big poop blob on his back. Weird. So now poop is on his outfit, back and changing table. But not a drop in his diaper. It's like the poop jumped from his crack to his back.

A voice, maybe it was God, told me to go look in his highchair. Oh that voice. I go take a peek and yowza, holy poopalooza. The highchair is covered. How did i miss this? How did i not know that it was his butt, not his multiple chins making that funk. So now there's poop on his outfit, back, changing table, high chair and floor (yes, the poop had seeped from the high chair to the floor). Oh wait, it's also on my hand. There goes blogging. It's amazing how one poop can take you from being 20 minutes ahead of schedule to 40 minutes behind.
I clean us up first, put him in the swing (the naughty swing at that moment -- just kidding!) and then clean up the rest. Easier said than done. For the life of me i can't get the dang highchair cover off so i can wash it (wash it along with the vibrating chair cover that he pooped on the day before). I'm trying to unfasten it, but the only thing that that's coming off is poop -- onto my hand. I'm saying choice words. Cursing Fisher Price for making the dang chair so difficult, cursing sweet potatoes for making River's poop so dang gross these days. And curing the blogging gods because yet again I wasn't going to get to blog.

I finally opt to just put the chair in the garage and wait for James to figure out how to take the cover off (it went in the garage b/c i felt that was more sanitary than leaving it in my kitchen covered in poop funk).

I was proud of myself though. I was able to get to work on time. But no, there was no blog.
But you know what, don't blame me. Any time you don't see a new post, blame this guy:

Potluck Friday

Happy Friday!!!

1. Man, it's been a while since i've done a Potluck Friday (as some of you have so lovingly reminded me via email, facebook, text and over dinner -- James!). In my defense, the last couple of Fridays have been holidays -- Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. But excuses are like crazy family members, everyone has a couple and no one wants to talk about them (well, that's a lie b/c i talk about Crazy Cousin Keisha all the time, so much so that she has been calling to tell me crazy stories and then says "you gonna blog that girl?!") Anywhoo, i'm back on Fridays!
   
2. Today is someone's last day to be 34 -- if you say me i will KILL you. I have 4 more years until that statement is true about me. Tomorrow is James' 35th birthday! Yes, he is a cradle robber. River is going to stay with Auntie Cris so i can take my big boy out on a date. Or heck, we may stay home and eat hot meal with both hands -- the things you cherish after kiddos. Whatever we do, it will be nice. It's been almost 11 weeks since we've been alone just the two of us.
   
3. I know it seems like i always rant about Facebook, but it's just because i love it so and hate to see it change. The latest thing that's bugging me is the new profile. I like it alright, but i haven't been able to figure out how to tell if i have friends in common with someone (if you know how, please educate me). Back in the old Facebook days -- 2 months ago -- when someone friend requested you, you could see what friends you had in common. This is how i decided if i wanted to accept of ignore. For example, if i see we have 14 friends in common, and then i click to see that those 14 friends are the 14 ghettoest friends on my friend list, i might have to ignore (I have a ghetto friends quota so i'm picky about what ghetto fab friends i accept). I try not to accept too many friends who are gonna blow up my news feed with baby daddy drama updates and ghetto type where they replace all the S's with $. (don't act like this doesn't bug you too!)
   
4. I'm happy to report that i returned to the gym on Dec. 20th and i've made it 3-4 days every week. I feel good, i've dropped the 22 pounds i gained with River and i'm looking to get into the best freaking shape of my life. No, that's not a size 2 -- my head is wayyyy too big to support that, besides all the "skinny" girls in my family are size 12! I just want to get toned up and be ready in 2 years to chase River around the house!
   
5. What's ReRe jamming this week? It's Rihanna's "What's My Name" featuring Drake. I love this song. it seems to be on the radio every morning at 7:40 so i sing it to River on the way to school :)
   

Where's ReRe?

So if you've been logging on for the last week you have noticed that i've been MIA.
Well, at midnight Tuesday, October 26, 2010 i officially went into labor. (honestly i had been in labor for days, if not weeks, but that's when i looked at James and said "let's go to the hospital.")
I was 3 days past my due date and ready. And a few hours before i watched the turd called "MacGruber" and i think it was so bad that River was trying to break loose!

After 16 hours of labor, James and I welcomed our son River James into the world at 3:58 p.m. 7lbs 1oz and 21 inches long!



He is gorgeous. A head full of hair (i guess that heartburn myth was not a myth!). Eyes that look into your soul. I could go on. He's dang cute. And he looks just like my mama, which makes my heart melt. She would be so proud. No, she IS so proud.

A lot of folks have asked me if i will still keep blogging. Umm, yeah! I love blogging! But i am taking a little break while i'm on maternity leave so i can spend time with my boy and figure this whole motherhood thing out. I may pop in every once in a while to post something i just couldn't hold in, but i won't officially be back in full swing until Christmas. So don't forget about me! I'll be back!

Potluck Friday

1. My hubby has been reprimanding me for not blogging all week. I apologize, BUT in my defense i must say it's hard to wake up and be funny when you are living on 3 hours of sleep. I expect to be sleep deprived in 6 weeks when my boy comes, but no one told me that the last few weeks of pregnancy are so freaking uncomfortable. I've always had junk in the trunk, but trying to sleep with junk in the trunk and front -- and then peeing every 30 seconds is a lot harder than i thought it'd be. So again, i apologize. But at least i gotta Potluck for ya (that's all that counts!).
   
   
   
2. So about 6 months ago i had to break down and buy some clinical strength deodorant (that sets me back $8. EIGHT BUCKS). Another thing no one told me is that hormones can drastically change and make you funkier. Well, they can. BUT this week i realized that my hormones had not changed...the only thing that freaking changed is that Sure deodorant decided to get all sneaky and change its package to look like my Secret. Yes, 6 months ago on my deodorant run, i accidentally grabbed a Sure, thinking it was my Secret (which has not told on me in 17 years). But after a few days i just felt wet and funk. Instead of taking a good look at my deodorant and realizing it was the wrong brand, i just got depressed that the deodorant strong enough for a man, but made for a woman was no longer made for me. This week James ran out of deodorant and decided to use the "Secret" that was still sitting on dresser -- untouched since March. It wasn't until he was putting it on that i realized "THAT'S NOT SECRET! AND I'M NOT FUNKY(ER)!" So i think the folks who make Sure should pay me $24 -- that's $8 that i shelled out monthly for my clinical strength deodorant. You owe me Sure.
   
   
3. As we prepare for the arrival of River, we've really been trying to act like good parents, you know, pretend like he's already here and try to do things like: wear more clothes around the house (yes, we are THOSE people), sit at the dinner table (we are striving to be THOSE people), and (this is something James is working on) not making suggestive motions when i'm bent over the oven. Another thing we are working on is making sure the pan and pot handles are not hanging over the stove when we cook. I'm better than James at ensuring all the handles are turned. The other day i pointed to his handles and reminded him of the safety risk:
   ReRe: (pointing to pot handle) Baby, what would happen if River grabbed this and poured hot food all over his face? We have to keep these turned in.
   James: If River can reach through your ya-ya and grab that pot handle, i say more power to him.
   We will continue to work on this.
   
   
   
   
4. I don't think i'm a fan of the new location thingy on Facebook. For two reasons: 1) it could be a safety risk. Do you really want to tell 600+ people you just arrived at some restaurant 900 miles away from your house? I don't know about you, but i have some ghetto Facebook friends who i DON'T want knowing when i'm out of town! and 2) It's annoying! know one cares that you are at 'home', 'wal-greens' , or 'kfc.' The only time you should use this feature is if you are somewhere really cool or really shady. For example 'sugers' is a great example (for those of you who don't know, Sugers is a skeezy strip club on Campus Corner, and i'm pretty sure they'd hire me today (that tells you a lot!). You can't tell me you wouldn't roll on the floor if you saw, say your pastor or uncle put that he had just arrived at Sugers!
   
   
   
5. What is ReRe jamming this week? It's "Break My Bank" by New Boyz featuring lyza:
   
   
   

Potluck Friday

Never thought this day would get here!

1. First my apologies for the lack of blogs this week. Of course James made me feel guilty every day with "Why haven't you posted?" and "You really have been slacking this week." Well folks, i have no excuse. Well, yes i do. I've been going in at 7 a.m. every day and trust me when i say you don't want to read what's on my mind that early in the morning. It ain't funny or family-friendly! But i feel refreshed today and can't end the week without a potluck!
   
   
2. Words are not enough for the joy i have now that Jersey Shore is back on! My life is now complete: Big Brother and Jersey Shore!!! Some folks are embarrassed to admit they love these shows -- but not me!
   
   
3. I've been at a summer camp program for pre-teen girls all week. They learning about all kinds of stuff -- staying away from drugs, healthy relationships and apparently how big your ankles get when you are knocked up. Earlier this week one of the campers decided to tell me the obvious:
   Camper (in country-boony twang): OMG! Your ankles are so swollen.
   ReRe (amused, annoyed and a little offended): Yes, yes they are . I'm 7 months pregnant.
   Camper: Are they supposed to get that BIG?
   ReRe (once again amused, annoyed and little offended): Yes. It's normal.
   
   Then the camper proceeds to go up to the other camp instructors (who are also pregnant) and point out that their ankles are no where near as big as mine are. I wanted to point out that their pre-pregnancy a$$es were no where near as big as mine either, but i just smiled.
   
   
4. Today is the first day of the third-trimester -- 12 more weeks to go. Some days it feels like pregnancy is flying by, and some days (when it's 90+ degrees) it feels like it will never end. I'm officially nesting. The crib is up, the changing table and dresser will go up tonight. I will soon start packing my bag so it will be ready. I told James that his next duty would be clearing out some cabinet space in the kitchen so we'll have a spot for bottles and all the other baby stuff babies apparently need. James' reply:
   He's not kosher. We just just stack his stuff on top of our.
   
   Ok then!
   
   
5. In honor of the return of Jersey Shore, and because i love this song, my jam of the week is Enrique Iglesias' "I Like It" featuring PitBull.