Wives before Bros, yo!

James: there's an app called Bro App that i can get and have it send you messages at certain times.
ReRe: Bro App? Like "why you mad, bro?!"
James: yeah!
ReRe: what kind of messages?
James: like i'm thinking of you messages. i can set it up to send them to you every day at a certain time.
ReRe: so you would schedule when to tell me you are thinking of me?!
James: ......
ReRe: hmmm. well i'll find an app that will schedule nice stuff for you too -- but i'll set it for once a year!
James: ..... :(

He said WHAT?!

Blog James and real-life James seem like two different people to some folks. When folks first meet my hubby they automatically thinks he's going to start busting jokes and telling the silly stories that i post, but in reality James is a pretty quiet guy. He's got to really know someone before his blog-worthy side comes out. But when it does come out, watch out!
Those of you who have seen or heard him in action know what i mean. But for those of you who have never witnessed it first-hand, i leave you with this little taste:

James: (making a weird clicking noise) click, clickity clock, click click
ReRe: What are you doing that for?
James: Did i just call you something bad in your native tongue?!

BURN!

One of my stand-up jokes that i opened with was about how my first and middle names are, well, um, unusual (even more unusual that ReRe), but my maiden name is Smith. So i always joked that given my first name, you'd expect my maiden name to be something like Clickity, Click, Ooh, Ooh! It always got a laugh.

Guess this time the laughs on me!

River Monster Count Down: due in 5 days

Add this to the list of things not say to your hormonal, pregnant wife

Something tells me that a lot more of these are to come over the next 3.5 months!

ReRe: It's freaking amazing how often i have to shave the pits and legs these days. I'm getting so hairy, i look like an animal. Have you noticed how hairy i get these days?

James: Yeah. Sometimes when it's cold i use you as a blanket.

The glare heard round the world (if glares could be heard)

When i was little, my mom would pinch the fat on my arms when we were in public and i was saying something i shouldn't. I remember being pinched when i attempted to tell the movie ticket lady my real age.
I've revamped this technique into a sideways stare and I use it on James occasionally. I thought i was the only wife who used this, but i saw my neighbor stare her husband down the other day.

I went over to check out the neighbors' new pool. While chit-chatting in the backyard, the neighbor informed his wife that he saw me mowing the front yard earlier in the day. It was his next comment that got him the glare of a lifetime: James is a real slave driver.

The look of shock that came across his wife's face was hilarious. She glared him to death, so much that it was the stare -- not the comment -- that made me feel awkward. She might as well have said: You can't say "slave" in front of a black person!!!!

I'm pretty sure she probably gave him an ear full when i left. She would die if she knew that when i was mowing the yard, he yelled across the street: James sure is a slave driver isn't he!

I'm thinking about going over there today in a Malcolm X shirt to see what reaction the wife has!

Things NOT to say to a pregnant lady

Over the years my hubby has quickly learned the things he should not say to me, or any other woman. Things like: "you're getting seconds?" "Are those pants snugger?" "When are you going to the salon?" "Oh, let me slide my hand back there -- my arms are smaller" etc.

But apparently my hubby must learn another list: things not to say to his pregnant wife.

Once he masters that list, i hope to never have a conversation like this one:

I'm standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth

James: Are you sticking out your belly?
ReRe: Huh? Um, no.
James: Really?! You aren't sticking it out?
ReRe: Really, i'm not. This is the way it is.
James: (he gets behind me and puts both hands on my belly) You aren't poking this out at all?! This is it in a relaxed state?
ReRe: Yes, THIS IS MY BELLY NOW.
James: Wow! You really have changed in the last few weeks.
ReRe: I will kill you with this electric toothbrush.

Women are from Venus, Men are from a dirtier planet

It's no secret that men and women are different. We interpret lots of things differently and apparently house hold chores are no exceptions.

To me, doing the dishes consists of: unloading and loading the dishwasher. and making sure the counters are clear of junk. and take out the trash if needed.

To James, doing the dishes: is...doing the dishes. food can be crusted to the stove, counters and anywhere else. but that does not matter. clearing crust off surfaces and taking out the trash is "cleaning the kitchen" and therefore falls outside the scope of "doing the dishes."

To me, washing the dogs consists of: washing the DOGS. both dogs.

To James, washing the dogs consists of: washing the dog that smells the most doggy and letting the other one stank for another week or so.

To me, taking out the trash means you put a new trash bag in the can.

To James, taking out the trash means you take out the trash and then put other trash on the counter because there no liner in the can now.

I know i'm not the only loving wife who has a list like this. So i though i'd be kind and just give some advice to the men out there:

• Cleaning the bathroom is more than wiping down the counter and mirror. The toilet and bathtub are actually the main components that need to be cleaned.


• Dirty dishes should be stacked IN the sink, not ON the sink.


• Dirty dishes are best rinsed and stacked in the dishwasher. When it's full, you can just start! (It makes no sense to load a dishwasher if you aren't gonna start it).


• It's easier to find clothes and undies when they are in your closet or drawer than when they are in 5 different laundry baskets -- so don't be afraid to fold some clothes!


• If you smell something funny when you walk in the house, you find the smell. You DON'T lay on the couch until it magically disappears. (and it does not disappear, you just get used to it).

Quotes that make James the best husband ever

Ladies, you know sometimes how you put on a shirt or a pair of pants and they make you feel like a house? Well i had that going on yesterday:

ReRe: This shirt makes me look fat.
James: #1, I think fat chicks are hot. and #2, no it doesn't.

I love that man.