Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Porta Potties: Havens for mommies

There are a few parenting tips from my mama that I logged in the back of my memory and i reference from time to time. I remember there were two things specifically that she always told me would happen once i became a parent: 1) You'll never get to eat your whole meal and 2) You'll never go to the bathroom by yourself

I never fully realized exactly what she meant. I didn't understand what being a parent had to do with eating your food or doing your business. But she was serious about it. One of her favorite things to scream and my bros and me (besides "i'll beat the black off ya") was "I could be eating Sh!t on a Shingle and You'd still want a bite." And she would not be laughing when she said that. I admit, my mama's ice water, baloney sandwich, and anything else she was eating always looked and tasted better than whatever i was eating ....even if it was the exact same thing.

But i still never grasped her bathroom rant....until NOW.

Before Riv was mobile, the bathroom was my haven. Hot baths, while reading gossip magazines. Prolonging a flush just to get some extra me time (if you are thinking it's sad that a potty break is "me time" then you don't have kids!). and showers! Showers were like an all-expense paid vacation to somewhere tropical.

But those days are LOOONNNGGG Gone. Now my showers are regularly interrupted by flying objects that make their way over the side.Yesterday i looked down and toddler sneaker had joined me in the shower, while its fully-clothed toddler owner was trying to climb in after it. He was not happy when i told him mama was on vacation and he did not have a valid passport and therefore could not change. Last week as i propped my leg on the edge of the tub to shave, i felt a prickle go across my toes and noticed a Cookie Monster toothbrush was scrubbing down my toes. The same toddler who tossed in a sneaker was apparently giving me a pedicure.

Have you ever tried doing your business while trying to keep a 31 inch person from climbing in the tub, pulling out chemicals from under the sink (daddy has still not fully baby proofed the house) and use the plunger as a walking cane? I've done all of those things...at the same time.

Why doesn't she just close or lock the bathroom door? Well, i could do that, and avoid a toothbrush scrub down. But my haven would still be interrupted by tiny fists pounding the door and screaming that he knows i'm in there and he's not leaving until i come out. And he means business.
Then there's the mommy guilt that comes when the pounding subsides, and you open the door to find that tiny person just laying in front of it looking pathetic. He acts like you were inside some cool club partying it up while he was denied entrance by the bouncer. He knows you were in the club doing cool stuff like unraveling all the toilet paper, playing with that prickly brush by the toilet and spraying windex on the walls.

and then there's the eating thing. Yes, i admit that i have sat in my car to eat food while james and River are inside the house because i know that if i go in, Riv will want a bite of whatever it is that i have. 99% of the time i share...but sometimes this mama wants to finish the last bite --- which is often the best bite.
My scrambled eggs, taco soup, cheerios and apples slices miraculously always taste better than River's.

I know my mama is getting a kick out of watching down on me and seeing all of her words of wisdom come true.


Lil' Woman said...

She is most def. looking down on you saying 'I TOLD YOU SO!' : )

Bee said...

What about the tiny hand under the door?