Monday, June 28, 2010

Yes, i was THAT pregnant woman on the dance floor

So how did you spend your weekend? I spent mine doing what every 6-month pregnant lady should be doing: dancing at the club.

I talk a lot of mess when i'm getting my hair did. I always say that i'm gonna take my new do out on the town. Shake it up on the dance floor. But after 2 hours in the beauty shop and a 45 minute drive home, i'm usually too pooped to go out. But this past Friday was different. It was the anniversary of MJ's death and everyone was playing his music non-stop. So by the time i got done with my hair, i still had energy, and so did one of my girlfriends, so we grabbed our men and headed to Opies. I've talked about Opies before, but in case you don't know the fabulousness of it, here it is in a nutshell: Imagine going to the state fair, or a local carnival. Now, imagine all the carnies doing the cupid shuffle.

That's Opies! It's so good. Even if you don't like to dance, the people watching alone is worth the $5 cover charge.

I'd feel uncomfortable taking my baby bump to any other club, but at Opie's i was sure of two things: I wasn't the only pregnant lady, and I was the best mom in there!

I was sure the baby bump coupled with sitting with my husband would take away my hot commodity status -- but i was wrong (of course i was, this is Opie's).

Bill & Ted were on an excellent adventure that night and spotted my girlfriend and me almost immediately. Bill & Ted looked like they would be more comfortable moshing to some Nirvana, but they clearly enjoyed doing the cupid shuffle along side me and my girl. That's fine, except the cupid shuffle does not require you to grind my let; Bill clearly learned this dance in prison.

For a few seconds i thought about seriously grinding on Bill and then dropping this nugget in his ear: "My son, who is in utero, is really enjoying this." But then i wondered if he was one of those freaky dude's attracted to ladies carrying other men's babies. So i just danced away from him.

Bill & Ted were not the only weirdos out. The highlight of the night was watching two young guys who both looked like Omar Epps, dance with ladies who looked like really skinny Betty Whites. To top it off, one guy had a lavender hand towel hanging out of his back pocket. At first i thought he was trying to claim a gang, but the embroidered swan on the towel made it clear that the only gang he was part of was lead by Martha Stewart.

When Lavender boy wasn't dancing with Betty White, he was stealing drinks from other people's tables. Two thoughts on this: 1) ghetto 2) brilliant! why did i not ever think of this in my younger days!

The funniest part, is that Lavender Drink Stealer was our carhop the next day at Sonic:

James: I'm gonna give him a really good tip so he can buy his own drinks!

I can't wait to put this story in River's baby book!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Potluck Friday

Woot Woot for Friday (and woot woot for getting my hair did after work!)

  1. Am i the only person in the world not watching the World Cup? Am i the only person in the world who can't wait for it to be over (is it over yet), so folks will STOP posting "GOOOOAAAALLLLL" or "Go USA" or "Come on REF!!!!!!" every 5 seconds on Facebook. Don't get me wrong, i'm all about some team spirit, loving your country, yada yada yada. But people, it's SOCCER!!!! And don't give me that crap about how everyone around the word plays it, blah blah blah. I just find it amusing that everyone has become a soccer fan, yet how many of these folks have actually gone to a professional soccer game, heck how many have even gone to a college soccer game. Double heck, before the World Cup, how many could have even named a soccer player (outside of your 5 year-old niece)?

  2. I don't believe in any of the old wives tales about how to know if you are carrying a boy or a girl. Folks will tell you if the heart rate is this, or if you are carrying high or low, etc. But i do believe that my little man has testosterone coursing through my body like none other and it has turned me into a raging maniac. I'm usually not an aggressive person (unless i need to be), but lately i have felt all kinds of firey and angry at little things. It mostly comes out in the form of road rage. For example, yesterday i watched a lady just drive right through a stop sign a bus had put out while it loaded some kids for summer school. The bus driver yelled out the window, but she was not phased. I waited patiently for him to put his sign back in and then i broke all kinds of speed limits to catch up to the lady and ride her tail. I'm not kidding. Seriously ReRe? Finally i came back to my senses, took some deep breaths and told River: "Mommy is acting like a fool. This is not good."

  3. The other day i saw a Mazzio's Pizza delivery driver driving with a passenger. Strange! I've never seen more than one person in a pizza delivery car?

  4. I did zumba the other day for the first time since i started looking like a basketball. It was kinda rough. Now i know what a middle-aged rhythmless lady feels like in a the club. I was just bumbling around, out of breath, swollen ankles and wondering if everyone was starring at me. But i'm gonna keep it up. I've read that women who exercise have easier labors. I don't believe this for one minute, BUT i plan on lying to myself about this whole labor thing for the next 3 months.

  5. What's ReRe (and James) jamming this week? "California Gurls" by Katy Perry, featuring Snoop Dog. Oh, i love this song -- and i love to hear James hum it while remodeling the nursery.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

You know you're a redneck if your flatscreen is bigger than your trailer

The house is kind of a work zone right now with baseboards, paint buckets, tarps and boxes of laminate flooring piling in different spots. James has been busy all week stripping Lil Bro's old room and preparing it for baby River. You'd be amazed how fast the smell of teenage boy disappears when you rip up the carpet! God only knows what that room has seen over the last 3 years, but it's starting to get its innocence back!

All this remodeling has made me want to do all kinds of things to other parts of the house. Over time we will do some things, like laminate floors throughout, more paint. But i'm also a realist. This is our first house, we won't live here forever, and there's only so much you can (and should) do in a 1,100 square feet.

But not everyone feels that way. I'm not naming names (maybe it's because they are related to me), but some folks have a champagne decorating style in a beer house! We all know that person who is decking out there starter home in granite, wood floors, marble tiles, gawdy fountain. Yeah yeah, it all sounds good in theory, but seriously, if your neighbors might be cooking meth, there's no reason for you to have granite counter tops!

Ain't nothing funnier that pulling up to a trailer and walking into a mansion. I love the folks who have champagne taste on inside, but beer decor on the outside. I'm talking old cars (and car parts) strung across the yard along with broken garden gnomes, but inside new flooring, stainless steal appliances and furniture from Martha Stewart Living.

Grown-ups who do this make me wonder if when they were in their early 20s if they were the kinda folks who had nothing in their living room but a huge TV. Remember going over to a homie's house and he had wack furniture (like old school lawn furniture), plastic cups and plates (that he reused), but he had a slammin' TV and sound system!

I'm not gonna lie, the Brown House (that was my college apartment. a black girl and two mexicans) had some ghetto flavor going on. We had lawn furniture in the spare room -- but it was the nice kind. And a mattress in the living room (we have real furniture too) that came in handy for last-minute overnight guests. But i'm happy to say that my 2 roommates and I did not carry that decorating style over to adulthood!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Add this to the list of things not say to your hormonal, pregnant wife

Something tells me that a lot more of these are to come over the next 3.5 months!

ReRe: It's freaking amazing how often i have to shave the pits and legs these days. I'm getting so hairy, i look like an animal. Have you noticed how hairy i get these days?

James: Yeah. Sometimes when it's cold i use you as a blanket.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Potluck Friday

  1. All i have to say is that it does not get anymore trailer park than this:

I may not know much about diapers (now anyway), but aren't they supposed to be covered up? And if so, than what's the point of them being "stylish"? Yeah, yeah, there are tons of babies who run around town with nothing but a diaper on, but the operative word is here is "nothing." They aren't sporting their jean diaper AND a white button-down and loafers. I expect this to be a flashback from Earl on My Name is Earl -- not an actual commercial made on purpose. I promise you that my boy will NOT be wearing jean diapers.

2. When i was addressing my Father's Day Card, i actually wrote my hubby's name on the envelope (a gross slip) instead of my dad's! Luckily my dad's name is also James, so all i had to do was scratch out the last name -- but it was still an awkward moment. Does this mean i have daddy issues?

3. I saw a commercial for an Oklahoma City hospital that was bragging about how there is no waiting in its ER. Apparently you can go online and reserve your spot. There are so many things wrong with this. First off, if i've accidentally sliced off my finger while trying to be Emeril in the kitchen, the last thing i'm doing is getting online and reserving a spot for 2 hours from now! And are they gonna really stick to those appointments or are they gonna be like the Social Security office where appointments are like fruit baskets -- it makes you feel good to get one, but everyone knows they mean absolutely nothing. So, let me get this right. If i've reserved a spot for, let's say 4:15, because i'm having terrible heartburn and need something stronger than what Wally World offers, and some dude rushes in with half his face gone, I'm gonna be seen before him because i have a reservation? Yeah right!

4. This is week is 22 of pregnancy, and i have put more time in than i have left to go! Woot Woot. Some highlights of this past week were:
  • Lil Bro got to listen to the heartbeat (i'm a dork and bought a hand-held doppler so i can listen to my boy's heartbeat all the time). It made my day to see Lil Bro smile so big. He's very excited about being Uncle Lil Bro and having a nephew!
  • James finally got to feel a kick. River has been kicking the crap out of me for about a month, but they were not strong enough to be felt from the outside -- until last night.
  • My stomach is beginning to round out -- so i actually am beginning to look pregnant and not like i just came back from a 2-hour love fest at Golden Corral.
  • Other things are rounding out as well. My loving best friend Cristina asked me: "What's going on back there." Back where? "There." and then she pointed to the extra junk in the trunk that i'm carrying. Yes, it actually is possible for my butt to get bigger.
  • James and i watched some birth videos online. I thought it would be a good idea to prepare him for the scariness that's to come. Apparently i needed the preparing. The videos were too scary for words and i've decided that I will request to be knocked out during child birth and to never have to see anyone who was in the delivery room again (I should never have to face anyone that has seen THAT much of me - this includes James. Love you baby, it's been a fun ride, but i will have to say goodbye if you dare peak south of the border).
5. What's ReRe jamming this week? "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy (and i love the name Travie!):

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dreary Duty

Day 2 of jury duty nearly killed me yesterday. I love me some Norman, but the Cleveland County court system is as organized as an episode of Flavor of Love. It should be against the law to tell 200 people to report to jury duty at 8:30 a.m., make them sit around for hours (doing nothing) and then tell them to return the next day at 8:30, have them sit around again and then tell them to come back the next day.

The judge promised that today we would either for sure get on a case, or be sent home for good (we'll see).

Some of the "highlights" of Day 2 were:

  • The woman sitting next to me who clearly has watched one too many episodes of Law & Order. After 2 hours went by without one person saying a word to our group of 18, she leaned over to me (wayyyy too close for my comfort), to inform me that they were probably trying to settle out of court, though she didn't think it was a good idea because "have you seen some of the people who have walked by?! they don't need to be settling, they need to be locked up." At one point i announced that the next time someone walked by in handcuffs, i was going to jump up and say "Hey Billy!" just so the bailiff thought i knew him and they'd let me go. Crazy lady thought that was so funny that she slapped my leg and laughed. Don't. touch. me!

  • One lady brought her "old man" to jury duty with her. The bailiff was very confused why we had one more juror than we were supposed to, but then "old lady" informed the bailiff that "He's with me, he's my old man." Really? Really? You don't bring a friend to jury duty. You bring a book!

  • Another lady had the nerve to wear black stirrup pants. I haven't seen those since i was in 3rd grade -- and i didn't know they made them in plus size (and either did she, b/c these were wayy too snug)! To top it off, she had the nerve to wear some light up flip flops. It's one thing to be a 4 year-old boy and sporting your light up Bob the Builder shoes, but you can't be a grown woman wearing light up flip flops!

  • All the bailiffs look like Betty White. I'm not kidding. I'm not saying that bailiffs need to be young men, but really, Betty White?

  • Some people are way too excited about getting paid $20 a day. That's only a good deal if we are up there for an hour or so. Anything longer than that, and we are basically paying to be held hostage. And don't even get me started on the mileage pay. I live 2 miles from the courthouse. It will cost them more to mail my mileage check than actually pay me.
We shall see what today holds for jury duty. I expect one of two things to happen:

1) I get on a kick-butt murder case, end up being the foreman and then later i get interviewed for a story on True TV.


2) They release me ---FOR GOOD.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I just had to get this off my chest -- and hopefully off of Facebook

I will admit that my Facebook addiction has increased ever since i got my smartphone. Once upon a time is shunned smartphone users. "Why do you need internet on your phone?" I'd ask. (I used to wonder why folks needed a camera on their phone as well). But i'm a changed woman. I love that i can post my snarky updates at any time of day, no matter where i am.
Take today for example; James and I both have jury duty. A month ago i would have dreaded the boredom, but not anymore -- I will have my smartphone to keep me company as i post about my fellow jurors all day long (knocking on wood that my phone is not prohibited while i'm waiting).

Back to my addiction.

One thing that i have noticed since i've become a deeper lover of Facebook, is that i get edgy about some of the other updates i see. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but i think updates should be funny, snarky, meaningful, original etc. And THESE do not meet those criteria:

  • Bible verses: I love me some God, but what's up with all the Bible verses? 1) it's not original to quote a book as old as the Bible and 2) Is it necessary to do this EVERY DAY???? Even Jesus is like "enough already! whatcha eating for lunch?"

  • Farmville and other nonsense: Don't you love the folks who have never once posted a status other than "____just bred a baby bird" or "_____has a baby bear who is lost" and my fave: "_____zebra just escaped the zoo, Oh My!" Really? Really? You're telling me that you joined Facebook so you could breed unicorns and grow food you'll never eat?

  • Song lyrics and Movie quotes: I liken this to the Bible verses -- not original to quote Shrek and Brooks & Dunn. I do think there is a loophole to this. If you're gonna quote a lyric or movie, tie it in to something real. For example, if i felt an urge to quote Naughty by Nature, i'd put something like "Today James is down with O.P.P. -- And i'm excited" or something like that.

  • Updates only you and maybe 1 out of 670 of your friends get: You know how it was rude to have inside jokes when you were in elementary school? Well, nothing has changed. It's even ruder on Facebook. Imagine nothing but a wall of "La Girafee -- Hoy!" "How does it feel? How was your trip?" "BGWBand3M" and other things that only my close friends and hubby understand (and would crack up at)? Exactly, so stop it.

    I've said this last one before, but it can't be said enough:

  • Ghetto updates: No one wants to read about your baby mama drama, whose b-u-t-t you kicked this weekend, how you are fighting with your mother-in-law, etc. Well, maybe people do wanna know, but all of them are sitting in Jerry Springer's audience.
Now, if you find that you are guilty of any of the above, please know that i still cherish you deeply as a friend, but also know that you are not just driving me crazy, you are driving all of your other friends crazy too. But if that's how you roll, do your thang.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Men in shorts that annoy me

One of the things that has always annoyed me about police officers (and this is one of MANY things) is that they seem to have no respect for the laws of the road. You see them speeding, riding people's butts, not using turn signals, passing at inappropriate times, playing on Facebook on their little car laptops, etc.

But apparently it's not just police officers that think an issued car is a license to drive like a fool. Another set of men in uniform LOVE to drive like maniacs (at least down my street). Who are these men: FedEx drivers.

Yesterday i thought i was gonna have to have an old school beat down on one dude who decided it was appropriate to drive 50 mph down my street, and then slam on his brakes when he reached his destination. I yelled "SLOW DOWN"when he flew by (I also yelled it again when he got out the van -- in his daisy dukes). Then the sucka had the nerve to round the cul-de-sac and fly by at 50 again. He was going too fast for me to see if there was a number (besides 1-800-TOOL) for me to call to complain.

But he'll be back. I've seen him many a times, and we will meet again....

Monday, June 7, 2010

Baby Mistake #1

I thought i had a great idea: when our boy is born, i'm gonna get some shots of him wearing nothing but a bow tie! I thought this sounded adorable. But apparently i was wrong.

James: Like a Chippendales dancer?! No way! We are not taking pictures of our kid dressed as a Chippendales dancer.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Potluck Friday

This Potluck Friday will have one subject, and one subject only:

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The glare heard round the world (if glares could be heard)

When i was little, my mom would pinch the fat on my arms when we were in public and i was saying something i shouldn't. I remember being pinched when i attempted to tell the movie ticket lady my real age.
I've revamped this technique into a sideways stare and I use it on James occasionally. I thought i was the only wife who used this, but i saw my neighbor stare her husband down the other day.

I went over to check out the neighbors' new pool. While chit-chatting in the backyard, the neighbor informed his wife that he saw me mowing the front yard earlier in the day. It was his next comment that got him the glare of a lifetime: James is a real slave driver.

The look of shock that came across his wife's face was hilarious. She glared him to death, so much that it was the stare -- not the comment -- that made me feel awkward. She might as well have said: You can't say "slave" in front of a black person!!!!

I'm pretty sure she probably gave him an ear full when i left. She would die if she knew that when i was mowing the yard, he yelled across the street: James sure is a slave driver isn't he!

I'm thinking about going over there today in a Malcolm X shirt to see what reaction the wife has!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Things NOT to say to a pregnant lady

Over the years my hubby has quickly learned the things he should not say to me, or any other woman. Things like: "you're getting seconds?" "Are those pants snugger?" "When are you going to the salon?" "Oh, let me slide my hand back there -- my arms are smaller" etc.

But apparently my hubby must learn another list: things not to say to his pregnant wife.

Once he masters that list, i hope to never have a conversation like this one:

I'm standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth

James: Are you sticking out your belly?
ReRe: Huh? Um, no.
James: Really?! You aren't sticking it out?
ReRe: Really, i'm not. This is the way it is.
James: (he gets behind me and puts both hands on my belly) You aren't poking this out at all?! This is it in a relaxed state?
James: Wow! You really have changed in the last few weeks.
ReRe: I will kill you with this electric toothbrush.