Count Down to the end of my life....

Some pregnant ladies get annoyed when folks want to rub their bellies -- i don't mind (as long as you aren't some weirdo and you have all your teeth or at least a good set of dentures)

Some pregnant ladies get annoyed at comments like "are you carrying twins?" "man, you look like you were due yesterday" or the plain and simple "you are huge." -- amazingly i don't mind these either. As long as their is a kiddo in me, you can comment on my roundness all you want. BUT in 3-4 weeks you better shut your face.

But what i CAN'T stand are the constant comments about how "your life is going to be OVER. so enjoy this time while you can."

Don't get me wrong, i know that life is going to be very different. I won't be able to decide that I need to go to Opies in an hour. I may not be rushing out to see a 2 hour new release in the near-near future, and my nights of 9 hours of sleep are going to dwindle (though if you are on Facebook at 3 a.m. you would know that i haven't slept through the night in at least two months).

Yes, i know all of these things and more. But there's nothing worse than telling two people who are about to start such an exciting journey that life is really about to SUCK. I have some mommy friends who tell me all the ugly sides of pregnancy and the after, i love and need that, it's real. But what i don't love or need is weird laughing church lady who told me Sunday: "Man, you won't be going out alone for a long, long time. Kiss those movies and dates goodbye once this baby comes."

(James said i should have told her: well, my hubby is not ashamed of me, so he will still take me out.)

Other annoying your-life-is-gonna-suck-soon comments i hate are:

• You and James are never going to have "alone" time again. -- umm, that's right. because people NEVER have "alone" time after they have a kid. that's why every couple has just one kid (ignore the fact that James is #9 of ELEVEN kids) . Ok???
  


• No more date nights. -- to the folks that have not been on a date since their kid was born 10 years ago, shame on you! don't blame that on your kid! just admit that you just don't really like your old lady/old man anymore! Trust me, this mama will have her some date nights. happy mama = happy house!
  


• When someone's kid is acting a fool, throwing a crazy tantrum, the parents look at you and say: "I hope you are ready for this." -- No, i'm not ready for that, and i don't need to be because i'm not gonna have a BeBe kid. Notice that it's always the person with the baddest kid who wants to prepare you for incidents like your kid slapping you in Wal-Mart or your teen calling you a "B." Now, i'm not saying my boy is going to be perfect, but I know how my mama raised me and trust me, we knew better to act a fool in private, let alone in public!

My question is this: if kids are sooooooooo terrible, than why do folks keep busting them out!

Ok, off my soapbox!

What i was doing 22 years ago...

Happy 22nd Birthday to Middle Bro!


22 years ago today i was 7 years-old and my mama asked me a question that changed my life: Do you want to go school or do you want to go with me to the hospital so i can have the baby?

Umm, even at 7 i knew that i wanted what was behind door #2! So we hopped in the car and my laboring mom drove to my Uncle Ben's house so he could drive us to the hospital in OKC. Uncle Ben came out of the house with a cold, unopened beer. My mom immediately grabbed the beer and sucked all the condensation off the can, thus was the beginning of what i now know is called active labor.

She panted and sucked that beer can for the entire 45 minute drive, while my 7 year-old self made a promise to my future self to NEVER have a baby. EVER. (fail)

Uncle Ben pulled up in front of the hospital and hopped out to go get some help. The next thing i knew, my mom was slipping off her red shorts. "What are you doing?!" I squealed. "I can't wait sweetie, the baby is coming now. Give me your hand."

I'll never forget how all that pressure on my tiny chunky hand felt as my mom squeezed down. It felt like she was squeezing my hand forever, but it couldn't have been too long -- help still hadn't arrived!

What we now know was a baby boy fell on the floor board of the car. The baby cried. I cried: "Pick it up, pick it up!!!!" My mom cried: "No! It's going to be a boy and I don't want a boy!"

Yes ladies and gents, my mom -- who eventually birthed two boys who she spoiled rotten -- spent 37 years of her life adamant that if she had ever a boy "the doctor better put it where he found it."

When help finally arrived, they found this scene: A half-dressed postpartum woman sitting in the front seat, a chunky, shocked 7 year-old in the backseat, and a naked newborn crying on the floor. And we were locked in the car!

I remember nurses and docs knocking on the windows and telling us to unlock the doors. The windows were slightly cracked and rain was starting to come in. I don't know if my mom was just shocked because she had just delivered a baby with her 7 year-old in the backseat of the car, or if she was shocked at the prospect that this baby on the floor might be a boy. Either way, it felt like forever until the doors finally unlocked and we all got out of the car.

And sure enough baby that crying baby was a boy. My little brother Jared!

I spent the next couple of hours with my Uncle Ben. Our first trip was to the car wash. I remember him looking down to the ground, smoking his cigarette, shaking his head and saying "My car will never be the same. Never." He later sold that car.

I was very excited to go to school the next day. Not only was it Friday, but it was Show 'n Tell and i had the best tell ever! Ms. Love let me go first so i could tell everyone why i was absent the day before. The story was like the above, except Ms. Love cut me off when i got to the part where i explained that my new little brother came out covered in what my 7 year-old mind could only describe as stuff that looked like butter ( i now know that "butter" is really called vernix caseosa).

I will admit it was not love-at-first-sight with my new brother. I was jealous. And he wasn't all that cute in the beginning (and he would agree with me). But i must say that i've fallen deeply in love over the last 22 years. Middle Bro -- who i have called Bubby for 22 years and will do so for the rest of my life! -- is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love him dearly and am so grateful he made me his big sister! Happy Birthday Bubby! Go party like it's 1988 -- but with less crying and more clothes on!

I thought black folks just said that!

Yesterday, while enjoying a can of mixed nuts with my hubby, i grabbed a Brazil nut...and learned something new about white folks:

ReRe: You know this is called a nigga toe, don't cha?

James: Yea.

ReRe: (i was really shocked. I thought black folks were the only ones who called Brazil nuts this) Really? You grew up calling them nigga toes?

James: (kind of quiet) Well, we didn't say "nigga."

ReRe: OMG!!! James! I'm so blogging that tomorrow.

James: Baby! No! You are gonna have folks trying to kill me.

ReRe: No one will kill you, we'll blame it on your family!

Speaking of the fabulous Brazil nut. I went years before i figured out that the "N word" was actually a reference to black folks. The only context i'd ever heard it in was referring to Brazil Nuts (until one day a kid at daycare sang an inappropriate Christmas jingle with it in it, but that's another blog). One day while shopping at Buy For Less, i saw a beautiful display of Brazil Nuts. I ran over to them and started yelling: "Mom, mom! Look at all these nigga toes! We need to get us some nigga toes!"

My mom ran over so fast to cover my mouth. And that's when i learned that in public Brazil nuts are "Brazil Nuts."

Potluck Friday

I'm always happy when it's Friday, but happy does not describe how i feel about it today. Oh what a week!!!

1. Yes, that was me sitting in the theater opening day of Eclipse. Don't be jealous that my girl J-Loop won free tickets on the radio! It was AMAZING. Yeah, yeah. I know all the Twi-nerds are saying it's the best so far yada yada. But it really is. And it's not just a good Twilight movie, it's a good movie. I was impressed. I hope they keep this same director (this franchise changes directors more than Beyonce changes members of Destiny's Child). Of course, i still have some complaints:
   
   • Why oh why can't they just dye Rosalie's eyebrows? She looks like Madonna with that tacky blonde hair and big brown eye brows. Better yet, why can't they just let Rosalie have her naturally dark hair? Yeah, it's not in the book, but it's not also in the book that she's rocking out old-school 3 inch black eyebrows either.
     
   • Why does Jasper all of a sudden have a southern accent? Where the heck did that come from?
   • Jacob needs to be shirtless more. That's why i'm here people, to look at this half-naked 17 year-old shape shifting wolf. Work with me!
   • The more i watch, the more i'm convinced that Edward is the over-protective, hovering boyfriend that we would all want our daughters to stay away from. He reminds me of Fred Savage's character in the Lifetime movie, No one Would tell (where he kills DJ from Full House. sorry if i just ruined that for you).
     
     
2. While waiting for Eclipse to start, i saw the funniest trailer. It was for Step Up...wait for it... wait for it....3D. NO, I AM NOT KIDDING. Someone spent their daddy's hard -earned money to pay to make a tacky no-star filled 3D dancing movie. Haven't we seen enough of this with: Step Up 1, Step Up 2, Save the Last Dance, Honey, (i could go on). I'm all about movies where white girls prove they can shake it (heck, i have tons of friends who could star in these movies) but do we really need another one, and does it need to be in 3 FREAKING D?!
   
   
3. What ever happened to Bob the Builder? While scrolling through the toy aisle at Tar-jay the other day ( i like to prepare myself for the stuff i'm gonna have to buy River one day) i noticed that Bob the Builder was no where to be found. My best friend (aka Brown Girl or "Mexican") pointed out that Dora's friend Manny is all the rage now "and with the help of affirmative action, has replaced Bob the Builder." I am happy to report that i did find an array of black Barbie's that actually were my shade! Back in the day all the black Barbie's are what my momma would call "high-yellow." Examples of high yellow are my son, Halle Berry, my momma, one of my brothers. Basically it's house negroes. But Matel finally realized that the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice.
   
   
4. I'm officially 6 months pregnant today!!! 3 more months and 18 more years to go!
   
   
5. What is Re jamming this week? My boy Justin Bieber!!!! (don't hate, or judge). It's Bieber's "Somebody to Love."

The glare heard round the world (if glares could be heard)

When i was little, my mom would pinch the fat on my arms when we were in public and i was saying something i shouldn't. I remember being pinched when i attempted to tell the movie ticket lady my real age.
I've revamped this technique into a sideways stare and I use it on James occasionally. I thought i was the only wife who used this, but i saw my neighbor stare her husband down the other day.

I went over to check out the neighbors' new pool. While chit-chatting in the backyard, the neighbor informed his wife that he saw me mowing the front yard earlier in the day. It was his next comment that got him the glare of a lifetime: James is a real slave driver.

The look of shock that came across his wife's face was hilarious. She glared him to death, so much that it was the stare -- not the comment -- that made me feel awkward. She might as well have said: You can't say "slave" in front of a black person!!!!

I'm pretty sure she probably gave him an ear full when i left. She would die if she knew that when i was mowing the yard, he yelled across the street: James sure is a slave driver isn't he!

I'm thinking about going over there today in a Malcolm X shirt to see what reaction the wife has!

Facebook rant. Blame it on the hormones.

I have a Facebook friend request that i've left in pending mode for about 2 weeks. I'm kind of hoping that i will pend it for so long that the person will forget about me and cancel the request.
Why don't you just ignore it, you ask? Well, i'm too nice for that. I'd rather just pretend i haven't seen it. Maybe the person will think i don't check my page often. Maybe they will think I moved to another country that doesn't have Facebook.
What happens when you ignore a request? Does the person get a message that says "Your former co-worker who you worked with over 2 years ago, but barely said two words to has decided that she does not want to be your friend"?
I really wish that's the message that would get sent. Because really, why does someone who basically snarled at me for 5 years, now want to be my friend on Facebook? I can honestly say that i like all of my Facebook friends. When i get a friend suggestions, i don't just approve them automatically because we have 72 friends in common or because we had the same third grade teacher. If i think "Ugh, i couldn't stand that girl back in 1992" i DON'T send a request!
While i'm on my Facebook rant, what's up with folks who put all their drama into their status updates?
I'm not kidding, in a two second period i saw three different status updates that consisted of baby daddy drama, ex-wife drama and what i can only guess is legal drama. Really? Must you take the Jerry Springer show viral? There are just some things folks should keep to themselves -- or their therapist.
When i read these ghettodates (ghetto-updates) it made me stop and think about what they meant about me, and i concluded that I have some ghetto friends.
Ok, my hormones are done raging over Facebook.

In exciting baby news: I have lost a pound since getting pregnant. Seriously?! I should have gotten pregnant 15 years ago!!! (i'm just kidding -- my mama would have KILLED me).