Back that boot scootin boogie up

I like to think of myself as the funniest, wittiest person around, but i think i may have met my match!
My friend Val is hilarious! I haven't known her long, but she's like my long-lost white twin. I call her my sister from another mister. Anytime she says something i crack up because it's so something i would have said or something i was thinking and she beat me to to the punch.

For example, the other day a group of girlfriends were having a conversation about the type of music we like. Now, from the outside, you'd never guess that Val likes old school gangsta rap (that's why you can't judge a book by it's cover). Anywhoo, we are all chatting about who likes country, who likes rock, etc. The conversation turned to modern country vs. the traditional (i had no clue there was a difference, it all sounds the same to me) said Val said something that really made me think:

"Modern country sucks donkey balls. And keep that crap off of top 40 radio. I don't call the country station and ask them to play the latest Jay Z. Keep your Lady Antebellum nonsense to yourselves!"

Amen! Don't get me wrong, i've found myself driving down the street humming some Taylor Swift, but that's only because the stupid song came on after my Lil Wayne jam. What's up with that.

Can you imagine calling the Twister and asking them to play 50 Cent or Dr. Dre? Hecks no, so why am i one minute droppin' it like it's hot, and the next talking about how i went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fu-manchu. It's just wrong!

You know what else is wrong? When this big mega dance clubs combine the country western side with the hip hop/rap side. Talk about awkward. For MANY reasons. You either get the great divide where each group of folks takes turns dancing, while the other group sits on the sidelines and snarls, OR (and i think this is worse) you get dudes out there in Wranglers doing the cha-cha slide or cupid shuffle. That makes my eyes burn!

I tip my hat (my cowboy hat) to Val for keeping my wit on its toes!

Who's your baby daddy/mama?

James is a very proud daddy and loves showing his co-workers and patients pictures of his baby boy. Of course with James' blue eyes, sandy hair and Snow White skin tone, he always gets asked -- in a polite way -- what River has in him. Folks guess Indian a lot.

The funniest exchange happened Friday when James showed a picture of River to one of his co-workers who is a black lady.

Co-Worker:(leaning in close) Let me ask you something.

James: Ok.

Co-Worker: Is your wife black?

James: Yes.

Co-Worker: Good, because i can tell when a baby is black and that baby is black. I was gonna tell you that if your wife isn't black, that baby's daddy is!

James has decided that if he is asked that question again he's going to say that his wife is a pale, redheaded lady. I told him to throw in that her best friend since childhood is a big black dude that hangs around all the time!

Doesn't get whiter than that!

so it's snowing all over -- except in Oklahoma (thank God!).
One of my best friends lives in Maine, so you can imagine what she is dealing with this winter. It's a full blown blizzard. There's only one way to explain it:

"It's whiter than a Glenn Beck rally out there."

Yes, this was a status update used to describe the Maine weather! I almost wet my pants when i read it.

It made me think of some others:

• "It's whiter than a John Mayer concert out there."


• "It's whiter than the audience watching Sarah Palin's Alaska."


• "It's whiter than the dinner crowd at Denny's."


• "It's whiter than a Black Friday line outside a Toys 'R' Us."

Move over Bra, there's another sheriff in town that the ladies are gonna love!

You know what's wrong with the world today? You can't tell the difference between a real product commercial and a Saturday Night Live skit. Wait, well, maybe you can, but sadly the commercials are wayyyy funnier than SNL these days.

Here's an example:



Don't get me wrong, i totally see the need for something like this. I'm a booby girl and could totally make use for something like this -- probably could have used it yesterday -- but i still can't help but laugh at the ad. My favorite quote is at the :27 mark:

"So you can decide just how much cleavage you'll show."

I love how the announcer tried to be so professional with that line! I'm sure left on the cutting board floors are audio clips of her saying:

"So you can decide if you are gonna tease or please."
"So you can decide if you really want that raise or not."
"So you can decide if the girls get to come out and play."

Love it.

You better call Antoine...CALL HIM!

There are no words for this, so just watch!



And Now watch this!

Potluck Friday

This has been a loooooooooooooong week. But it's almost ova!

1. So this was week 2 of birth class, and i must say that it should be illegal to show the videos we are watching. Remember the crowning scene in Knocked Up that lasted about 7 seconds but stayed with you forever? Well, imagine 2 hours of that -- for 5 weeks! I thought i was more mature, but apparently i haven't changed since 10th grade when we watched Miracle of Life and sat there with my eyes half closed, squeezing my legs until they hurt. The difference between now and then is: Then, my thought was "That's gross and i'm never going to do that." and Now, my thought is "That's gross, and i'm doing that in 10 weeks." On the bright side, James is not freaked out at all, so at least i know he will be a good labor coach.
   
2. Speaking of babies, labor and all that fun stuff. The other day i was perusing my favorite site -- well, besides this one --Babycenter and saw the funniest post in a forum: Can anyone tell me where to find plus-size skinny jeans? I cracked up when i read this. Is this lady serious? I'm one of those plus-size ladies who truly believes just because it comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it! Honestly, i don't think ANYONE should wear skinny jeans. They are just not flattering -- unless you are going for the junkie look. I just found it amusing that the words "plus-size" and "skinny" were both used to describe a pair of jeans!
   
3. I don't know if electing to make his exit via the emergency slide was his best decision, but i can't help but to look up to JetBlue's Steven Slater for doing what so many of us who have every worked customer service have wanted to do! Oh how i wish i could go back and yell at some folks at Burger King, like the crazy dude who didn't want me to touch any of his stuff. Or the crazy Target lady who was mad that i wouldn't accept a check from her -- after watching her scratch out the printed name on top and write in her own name! Go Steven!
   
4. What am i jamming this week? "I Got Your Back" by T.I. featuring Keri Hilson. All i have to say about T.I. is mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm good!

Who needs drugs when you have double rainbows!

I want whatever this guy is on!



And he speaks!

I thought black folks just said that!

Yesterday, while enjoying a can of mixed nuts with my hubby, i grabbed a Brazil nut...and learned something new about white folks:

ReRe: You know this is called a nigga toe, don't cha?

James: Yea.

ReRe: (i was really shocked. I thought black folks were the only ones who called Brazil nuts this) Really? You grew up calling them nigga toes?

James: (kind of quiet) Well, we didn't say "nigga."

ReRe: OMG!!! James! I'm so blogging that tomorrow.

James: Baby! No! You are gonna have folks trying to kill me.

ReRe: No one will kill you, we'll blame it on your family!

Speaking of the fabulous Brazil nut. I went years before i figured out that the "N word" was actually a reference to black folks. The only context i'd ever heard it in was referring to Brazil Nuts (until one day a kid at daycare sang an inappropriate Christmas jingle with it in it, but that's another blog). One day while shopping at Buy For Less, i saw a beautiful display of Brazil Nuts. I ran over to them and started yelling: "Mom, mom! Look at all these nigga toes! We need to get us some nigga toes!"

My mom ran over so fast to cover my mouth. And that's when i learned that in public Brazil nuts are "Brazil Nuts."

I'm going to hell for this...but it's worth it

I know i'm going to hell for laughing at this video from A&E's Intervention (considering i work at a drug treatment center) but i can't help but giggle at this dude's cry! I've been teased for years about my Betty Rubble-esque laugh -- but my laught ain't got nothing on this dude's chuckle.

First watch the first video, the original:




Now enjoy the remix (doesn't it make you think that any minute T-Pain is gonna pop in and say something whacky?!):

Like i said, i'm going to hell.

Movies a la ReRe

Have you seen the previews for the new movie Death at a Funeral? Well, it's actually not a "new" movie, it's the remake of a 2007 British film that's hilarious. I'm usually not a fan of British films. Ok, i'm gonna admit it. I do have some prejudices (shock!) and one of those is British accents. I don't know what it is about them, but they bug me -- with the exception of Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay, but that's just because i have old man crushes on the.
Anywhoo, Death at a Funeral is really funny and i'm excited to see the remake because it's the black version. Black version? Yeah, you know, that's when a director takes a movie and remakes it with a black cast and black comedy. Not the kind of black comedy that's taboo satire, but the black comedy that, as James describes, includes an "old black lady with a big ol booty saying crazy stuff."
James and i have decided that we are going to start a production company where we take classic movies and make black version of them.
Here are a few of our early ideas:

• Mary Poppins: It will be called Shanaynay Jones and will star Monique and that one little bad kid from Role Models. Instead of a spoon full of sugar, it will be a spoon full of red drink makes the medicine go down. And the dance routines will all be crunking and Usher will have Dick Van Dyke's role.
  
  
• Gone with the Wind: It will be called Damn It's Windy and will be the tale of a loud bossy lady who owns a salon who is having a turbulent relationship with her baby daddy.
  
  
• Birds: It will be called Chicken Wangs and will about a group of birds that tries to attack a family at a barbecue, only to find they are the ones being hunted.