News that isn't

This just in: Ball pits at restaurants are full of germs and your kids can get sick.

Umm, if you are thinking “Duh!,” we are on the same page. That was my exact reaction when I heard that “newsflash” on the news yesterday. Anywhere that requires kids to take off their shoes and then swim around in a pool of plastic balls is going to be disgusting. Kids are gross, feet are gross, and I’m sure plastic balls are gross.

I learned first-hand back in 1997 just how nasty those balls pits are. I was working my first gig at Burger King and the owner came in one day and said the play area was going to close for about a week for a deep cleaning. At first we thought nothing of it, though it was strange because I worked there almost 2 years and this was the only closing for cleaning I ever witnessed. Well, the burger rumormill started spinning and apparently the story was our nighttime porter guy (the guy who came in after closing and scrubbed the grill and emptied out the fry grease) and one of the front counter girls – who was 2 pickles short of a junior whopper (there are only 2 pickles on a junior whopper, so that’s saying a lot) decided to take their “relationship” to the next level…in the ball pit.

They got caught because the owner had cameras installed all over the restaurant (he was concerned that all us grubby teenagers were not paying for our meals ---and he was right). Apparently grease guy and junior whopper girl didn’t realize that if boss man doesn’t want folks stealing in his chicken tenders, he probably doesn’t want them getting their freak on in the ball pit.

The funniest part: they weren’t fired!

I remember talking to junior whopper girl. I gave her my words of wisdom (well, as much as a 16 year-old could): The ball pit?! That is NOT romantic!

Breakin' ain't easy

The other day i heard the most shocking thing while i was listening to conservative radio (yes, i tune in to conservative radio quite often. as an independent i find it important to hear both sides -- and as a human being i find it important to get a giggle every once in a while and both parties do a good job doing that, but i digress).
I heard one of the callers make a reference to one of my favorite movies: Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. This 1984 classic never gets old. And lately I've heard a lot of references to it. The most recent was this morning in a song by Taio Cruz.

This goes to show that no matter your age, political affiliation, musical tastes, we all have one thing in common: We know good cinema when we see it.

And there's no better way to start your Monday than watching the best dance/movie scene EVER!

What i was doing 22 years ago...

Happy 22nd Birthday to Middle Bro!


22 years ago today i was 7 years-old and my mama asked me a question that changed my life: Do you want to go school or do you want to go with me to the hospital so i can have the baby?

Umm, even at 7 i knew that i wanted what was behind door #2! So we hopped in the car and my laboring mom drove to my Uncle Ben's house so he could drive us to the hospital in OKC. Uncle Ben came out of the house with a cold, unopened beer. My mom immediately grabbed the beer and sucked all the condensation off the can, thus was the beginning of what i now know is called active labor.

She panted and sucked that beer can for the entire 45 minute drive, while my 7 year-old self made a promise to my future self to NEVER have a baby. EVER. (fail)

Uncle Ben pulled up in front of the hospital and hopped out to go get some help. The next thing i knew, my mom was slipping off her red shorts. "What are you doing?!" I squealed. "I can't wait sweetie, the baby is coming now. Give me your hand."

I'll never forget how all that pressure on my tiny chunky hand felt as my mom squeezed down. It felt like she was squeezing my hand forever, but it couldn't have been too long -- help still hadn't arrived!

What we now know was a baby boy fell on the floor board of the car. The baby cried. I cried: "Pick it up, pick it up!!!!" My mom cried: "No! It's going to be a boy and I don't want a boy!"

Yes ladies and gents, my mom -- who eventually birthed two boys who she spoiled rotten -- spent 37 years of her life adamant that if she had ever a boy "the doctor better put it where he found it."

When help finally arrived, they found this scene: A half-dressed postpartum woman sitting in the front seat, a chunky, shocked 7 year-old in the backseat, and a naked newborn crying on the floor. And we were locked in the car!

I remember nurses and docs knocking on the windows and telling us to unlock the doors. The windows were slightly cracked and rain was starting to come in. I don't know if my mom was just shocked because she had just delivered a baby with her 7 year-old in the backseat of the car, or if she was shocked at the prospect that this baby on the floor might be a boy. Either way, it felt like forever until the doors finally unlocked and we all got out of the car.

And sure enough baby that crying baby was a boy. My little brother Jared!

I spent the next couple of hours with my Uncle Ben. Our first trip was to the car wash. I remember him looking down to the ground, smoking his cigarette, shaking his head and saying "My car will never be the same. Never." He later sold that car.

I was very excited to go to school the next day. Not only was it Friday, but it was Show 'n Tell and i had the best tell ever! Ms. Love let me go first so i could tell everyone why i was absent the day before. The story was like the above, except Ms. Love cut me off when i got to the part where i explained that my new little brother came out covered in what my 7 year-old mind could only describe as stuff that looked like butter ( i now know that "butter" is really called vernix caseosa).

I will admit it was not love-at-first-sight with my new brother. I was jealous. And he wasn't all that cute in the beginning (and he would agree with me). But i must say that i've fallen deeply in love over the last 22 years. Middle Bro -- who i have called Bubby for 22 years and will do so for the rest of my life! -- is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love him dearly and am so grateful he made me his big sister! Happy Birthday Bubby! Go party like it's 1988 -- but with less crying and more clothes on!

Step Up 3D -- The REview

Have you ever been walking through Wally World and you thought to yourself: Someone should film me shopping and make it 3D?

You know you aren't doing anything worthy of 3D -- like throwing cans of green beans at the screen or pushing the cart really hard -- but heck, it would still be fun!

Well, this is exactly what had to be going through the minds of the folks who made Step Up 3D. Remember when i laughed hysterically at this film, promising that i would NEVER see it. Well, i went back on a self-promise because my girl Kerra likes bad movies and for her 28th b-day, i took her to see this turd (yes, i'm a good friend).

There are no words for how bad, yet good this movie was. Bad -- because, well, it's a 3D dance movie with no famous folks, need i say more. And good -- because, well, it's a 3D dance movie with no famous folks.

I laughed hysterically throughout the entire thing, but i don't think it was meant to be a comedy. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE me some dance movies. Nothing gets better than Breakin' 2: the Electric Boogaloo. But Step Up 3D had no dancing on the ceiling, high-yella brothas with jeri curls or cool 80s clothes.

But Setp Up 3D did have some "good" stuff:

• Let's say you are an 18 year-old dude and in the bathroom doing your business at the urinal. The next thing you know a group of dudes walk in with not-so-nice looks on their faces. Do you think 1) these dudes are gonna make a prison video with me 2) these dudes are gonna beat me to death or 3) these guys wanna have a dance off with me.
  
  if you picked #3, then you've either seen Step Up 3D or you had a really weird childhood. The bathroom dance scene made me squeamish. All i kept thinking was, don't put your hands on that! yuck!
  


• I also laughed hysterically at the Fred Astairesque dance scene between the curly headed guy (who up until half way through i thought was a girl -- his hair is FAB!) and that little cute girl from the Missy Eliot video. They randomly start dancing in the street in the street with trash can lids, running through cabs, stealing bystander's hats, etc. I busted a gut.
  


• Oh, and i can't leave out the one 3D "worthy" scene where hot guy and his love interest stand on top of an air conditioning unit with their Icee drinks. they slurp through their straws, place it over the AC unit and...OMG! icee bubbles look like they are going to land on me! What?! Seriously? did i just pay $13 to watch that?

I did pick up one good thing from the movie: BFABB. That means Born From a Boom Box.

Potluck Friday

Happy Potluck Friday! Unfortunately my Potluck Friday chef icon dude is refusing to load, but i assure you this is a potluck!

1. You know how they say you learn something new every day? Well, it's soooooo true. Wednesday i learned something very useful: you can block status updates from certain folks on Facebook! Now, i know many of you already know this (that's because you are mean people. I on the other hand struggle even ignoring a friend request). Why will this new knowledge come in so handy, you ask? Because frankly folks aren't taking me seriously when i say ENOUGH WITH HE FARMVILLE CRAP! I'm not kidding people. Some of you have yet to post anything outside of "XXXX needs help with their chickens." Oh wait, there is one of you -- and you know who you are -- who once posted a "real" update "Hey guys, can you help me do something really dorky on Farmville that's gonna annoy ReRe." Ok, so i added that last part, but you get the jist. So yes, today i will be going through and hiding the updates from the folks who only do Farmville. If that goes well, i might start hiding updates from people who only tell the world how much they love their spouse. I love James too, don't get me wrong. But i prefer to tell HIM, not my 600 facebook friends. Showing some love here and there is no biggie, but seriously, every day do you have to start your day off with a "Hugs honey! XXOOOXXXOO" update?! Roll over and tell him in bed!
   
2. I've mentioned before my love for Big Brother. And i hate to admit it, but my love for Rachel is growing too. Yeah, she seems like she may be a few ants short of a picnic, but she cracks me up. The only thing i would change about her is the goodbye speech she gives to all the evicted house guests. It goes something like this "XXXXX I'm glad you're going home. That's what you get for trying to talk to my man. Don't you ever try to come between me and my man again." I find this amusing for 2 reasons: 1) her man has only been her man for like 30 days. and we all know how those showmances work and 2) she says this speech to EVERY evicted house guests, whether they are male or female. I think she should have a talk with her man if she feels like she has to tell other dudes to back it up. I'm just saying.
   
3. While i'm complaining about reality TV people, i might as well moan about Kenny on Top Chef. Does he not realize that he has a 1 in 17 shot at being named Top Chef? I don't think he does b/c every week he acts all shocked that he didn't win the challenge. Act shocked if you are in a competition by yourself. But you are not. And you can't win them all! I've never seen anyone who likes himself that much, besides Spencer Pratt. That's it! Kenny is the black Spencer Pratt.
   
4. Last week at camp, i told the girls "If you tinkle and you sprinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie." They all got a kick out of it. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was not a ReRe original, but that i memorized it when i was 7. My grandma had that posted in the bathroom. Anywhoo, i understand maybe having to remind 6th grade girls this, but there is NO REASON for grown folks to have to be reminded of this. Yet i'm amazed at how many times i go into bathrooms and see not just sprinkles, but straight up, umm, how do i say this and still sound like a lady? POO. Straight up POO residue on the seat. As my girl Sara said yesterday as we stared at disgust at one of the toilets "How do you not know that shiznit is running down your leg and smearing on the toilet?" So, if you are guilty of not doing a glance back when you are done doing your bizness, chances are i'm talking to you! So, stop posting Farmville messages and stop leaving your ickiness on the toilet!
   
5. What am i jamming this week? Not really anything new. I did bust out some burned CDs that my roomie and i made 8 years ago for our joint 21st Birthday. So i've been jamming some old-school Keith Sweat, Jay-Z, and even some Kris Kross (cus i'm the miggity miggity miggity miggity mack daddy!)

Sweet Besus! The best blast from the past!

If you are a child of the late 80s, early 90s, you will wet your pants when you see what's coming soon to a theater near you: OREGON TRAIL -- THE MOVIE!!!

Don't tell me you don't remember that high you would get when you popped that floppy disk in and played Oregon Trail. Remember the tears you got when you learned all of your family members died -- but 5 seconds later you opted to hunt instead of bury them. Oh, those were the days. Move over Mario Kart and Call of Duty. You ain't got nothing on some Oregon Trail.

Potluck Friday

TGIF. Folks have been looking for my blog, so spread the word that it's now here.

1. So, yesterday i saw a man relieving himself -- and it wasn't my husband. I'm embarrassed to tell this story, but it must be told: I went to Hideaway Pizza to meet my girl Kerra for lunch. While i was waiting on her, i went to the bathroom. The restrooms at this particular Hideaway are confusing. You walk through one door labeled "restrooms" and then you go to the gender appropriate restroom. That was not hard. But when i came out of the bathroom, i got confused as to which door was the way to the lobby. I chose the door i thought was correct, but instead came face to face with a guy peeing. At first i was confused: "why is this guy peeing in the lobby?" And then i realized that I had went through the wrong door and was standing in the men's bathroom. Instead of rushing out quickly, my manners kicked in and I apologized a thousand times.
   
2. The Hideaway fun did not stop there. After telling Kerra my story, she spotted a guy wearing a size smedium (not a small, but not a medium) T-shirt that said "I love my girlfriend." He was also wearing the tightest pair of stonewashed jean shorts. Kerra and i looked at each other:
   Kerra: How much you wanna bet the guy's shirt is lying. I doubt he loves his girlfriend.
   ReRe: Oh, he loves someone, but it's not a girl.
   
3. I recently was almost run over by a Prius. Those little tree-hugging cars are so quiet! We need to use those over in Iraq and Afghanistan -- the enemy wouldn't even know we were coming.
   
4. What am i jamming this week? It's another oldie but goodie. MC Hammer's 2 Legit 2 Quit. I was in 3rd Grade when this came out and i had to correct my mom when i heard her singing: "Do the jerk, do the jerk and twist."