Homeland...where the crazies are

I've recently (re)discovered Homeland. The prices aren't the best, but i like to pop in every once in awhile because it doesn't have the chaos and layer of wally that Walmart has. But even though Homeland may present itself as a more "upper-crust" grocery option, its cashiers are hot mess! a few weeks ago a teen cashier could barely contain himself when he told me my total was $4.20 (420, bwahahaha?!).

But my encounter yesterday was even stranger.

Me: How are you today?
Cashier lady: I'm treated the way i should be. Not given the respect i deserve. But i haven't been arrested!
Me: That's sad...and good. Is this the time where i give you my discount card to swipe?
Cashier (a little too excited): Let's do it! you're here, i'm here! Let's do this while we are both here!
Me: Ok...
Cashier (over the top excited): look! you save 20 cents, girl! you are raking it in hand over foot!
Me: Ok.

I took my overprices salmon and baked Cheetos and ran to my car as fast as i could. at least in wally world i expect the crazy!

But i am glad that Homeland employs folks on work release!

You say tomato, i say you crazy

If i didn't know me, i'd swear that half the stories on this blog were made up. It's kinda like how in a soap opera you have that one character who has come back from the dead, been kidnapped, had her baby daddy's DNA results switched with her brother, found out she had an evil twin and spent half a year in a coma and you can't help but wonder how the heck do folks expect you to believe ALL that crap would happen to one person?!

I'm sure some of you ask yourselves the same thing about me when i tell some of the random things strangers say to me. But i swear, it's all true. I even find myself avoiding strangers because i know there's no way i can explain yet another "random stranger said this to me" story. But for some reason strangers love saying the weirdest crap to me.

Take this past Sunday in Wally World for example:

James and i are in the produce sections grabbing our last few items before we head to our Mother's Day lake picnic. I'm carrying River (mistake #1, he is a weirdo magnet! well, he's so dang cute that he attracts everyone, but weirdos love him) and checking out the tomatoes.
A normal looking lady walks up and starts looking at the tomatoes too. The maters were actually really nice looking, which i guess inspired her to share some randomness with me:

Crazy tomato lady: These look good!
ReRe: Yea, they actually do.
Crazy tomato lady: My grandpa used to grow the biggest, best tomatoes. My mom would just go out to the garden with a salt shaker, grab a tomato and eat it up right there in the garden.
ReRe: I bet that was nice!
Crazy tomato lady: Well, not really. He was an abusive man who beat the crap out of her daily and withheld food so tomatoes were actually the only thing she really ate.
ReRe (i just stare blankly at her. i have no clue what to say for awhile): Man...that sucks.
Crazy tomato lady: Yea...but the tomatoes were gorgeous.

Seriously?!

I either need to stop taking River to the grocery store or stop wearing my "I like to blog about your craziness, please come talk to me" shirt.

People with 662 area codes are nuts, here is the proof!

I don't even know where to begin!

On our way home from church and errands yesterday, my phone rang. It was an area code and number i didn't recognize. For a split second i thought it was Sallie Mae trying to get sneaky and call from another line -- but that's a whole nother blog. Anywhoo, i answered it. And then this post was born:

ReRe: Hello
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Pam?! Pam, is this you? How you doing girl.
ReRe: This isn't Pam, you have the wrong number.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Do you know Pam?
ReRe: No, i don't.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Well, someone called me from this number. From a 405 number. Do you know anyone with a a 405 number.
ReRe: Yes, i know myself. But i didn't call you. I think you must have misdialed.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Well, look at that. I'm trying to find Pam, but i ended up finding a new friend. Who needs a dating service when you can just dial. So, you wanna be my friend.
ReRe (fining it hard not to laugh. i put him on speaker phone so James can hear the funniness): I already have a friend. I'm married.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Come on. We can be friends. I'm a millionaire.
ReRe: Well, that's nice. But i'm taken.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Do you have a picture phone? Can you get pictures on your phone? I can send you pictures of my house. I'm a millionaire.
ReRe (took me a while to figure out what a picture phone was): Nope, can't get pictures on my phone. So don't send anything. Good luck finding Pam.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: I don't need Pam. I found you.
ReRe: Well, that's too bad. I'm taken.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: Come on. I need a white girl.
(Finally, my way out!) ReRe: Well, i'm a black girl.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: No you're not.
ReRe: I promise you, yes i am.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: But you sound white.
ReRe: It's called proper English. But yes, i'm black.
Charlie Sheen's black twin: ok. bye. (hangs up)

thank god 8 years ago when james prank called me he was looking for a black girl!

Potluck Friday

Woot-Woot to Friday!

1. I'm running on 2 hours of sleep, so if i start rambling end this post mid-sentence you will know why. I was actually getting some good, dead-to-the world sleep last night -- until my great aunt called me at 12:30 a.m. I didn't answer, i thought it would be safer for me to not answer than to answer and yell at one of my elders. But boy was i ticked. She did leave a voicemail that said something to the tune of "hey baby, it's aunt loves to call you at midnight. call me back." Seriously. Seriously. In her defense we do have an ailing family member so we've been talking a lot more, but not 12:30 IN THE MORNING! So of course i couldn't fall back to sleep so i sat up surfing the interweb, watching my stories and some Family Guy. At 2 a.m. my need for revenge kicked in, so i called my aunt back -- she didn't answer. I bet she was counting sleep like nobody's business.
   
   
2. So apparently this lady couldn't think of any better way to get national attention other than splashing her face with acid and saying a stranger did it. What a wack job. She couldn't, i don't know, pretend to be kidnapped, pretend to be a man and announce she's pregnant, call TLC and tell them she's a little person with 6 kids and pregnant with quads? Yeah, these all are extreme (except for that last thing, TLC would eat that up), but they are all way saner than putting acid on her face. What i love about this story is it was a blogger who started questioning her story! See, bloggers aren't just attention hogs blabbing on the interweb!
   
   
3. Later today i will be doing something i've never done: getting a pedicure! I've been doing a lot of grooming in preparation for my little man's arrival. NO, i won't be one of those ladies who goes to the hospital with a face full of make-up and big Oscar-ready hair, but i don't want to look like i could be on the cover of National Geographic either. So over the next few weeks i'm getting my baby beauty on. I'm gonna get my feet in order -- i don't want folks to be so focused on rough hammer toes that the aren't paying attention to the person coming out of me. I'm gonna make sure my hair is nap-free as well. When my boy is born, i want him to know he's in good hands -- not the hands of a woman with sticka bush hair and man feet!
   
   
4. If James and I had our own reality show and at the end of each week it showed a Clip of the Week (something outrageous or hilarious), this week's Clip of the Week would be us trying to figure out how the baby travel system works. Putting the stroller together was not difficult, it only took a few minutes to pop on the wheels, but trying to figure out how the car seat actually hooks to the stroller was another story -- that i still haven't mastered. Oh, and those carriers are NOT light, which kind of freaks me out b/c if i think it's heavy WITHOUT a baby in it, what i'm gonna do when i add 7 pounds (ok, yea right, 9 pounds) to it? Clip of the Week!
   
   
5. What is ReRe jamming this week? It's not new, but the more i hear it the more i love Usher "DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again."
   
   

Pet Peeves

don't you dare think the title of this post has ANYTHING to do with hormones. I've had these pet peeves for way longer than my 32 weeks of pregnancy, it just so happens that i'm letting them out now. So don't go assuming!

2 pet peeves that have been driving me nuts this week:

1. folks who slow down when they see a cop has someone pulled over: Ummm, i don't understand this. He ALREADY has someone, he ain't looking at you. When i see a cop has already caught his fish, i take it as my opportunity to raise up my Forty and wave at him. Ok, not really, but you can AT LEAST go the freaking speed limit. But no, 99 percent of folks creep by, like he's gonna tell the person he already caught "Ok, nevermind your speeding, i'm gonna go after that guy over there for, umm, just because." NO people! just drive like normal -- or even a little faster than normal -- because Mr. PoPo is occupado.
   
2. folks who take forever in the drive-thru: What the heck are these people ordering?! This ain't Golden Corral, Cracker Barrel or some other restaurant. This is freaking Mickey D's. There should be no need to peruse the menu -- you've been here enough times and seen enough commercial to know what the clown serves. But no, you are just looking and looking, talking and talking. Do me a favor, ask little Billy if he wants a cheeseburger happy meal or "chicken" nuggets BEFORE you leave the house. And you know Billy is not gonna eat it anyway, the fries are gonna just end up in the backseat next to the gold fish crackers and gum. And i don't know what's worse, the person who takes forever to order and then you see all they got was a coke -- what the heck were you talking about, health care reform, BP? -- or the person who gets like 8 bags and 15 drinks handed out the window AND still has to pull up for the rest of their order. Dang, Wally World is up the street, go buy some real food and cook it.

Ok, i'm done! Happy Hump Day!

Dreary Duty

Day 2 of jury duty nearly killed me yesterday. I love me some Norman, but the Cleveland County court system is as organized as an episode of Flavor of Love. It should be against the law to tell 200 people to report to jury duty at 8:30 a.m., make them sit around for hours (doing nothing) and then tell them to return the next day at 8:30, have them sit around again and then tell them to come back the next day.

The judge promised that today we would either for sure get on a case, or be sent home for good (we'll see).

Some of the "highlights" of Day 2 were:

• The woman sitting next to me who clearly has watched one too many episodes of Law & Order. After 2 hours went by without one person saying a word to our group of 18, she leaned over to me (wayyyy too close for my comfort), to inform me that they were probably trying to settle out of court, though she didn't think it was a good idea because "have you seen some of the people who have walked by?! they don't need to be settling, they need to be locked up." At one point i announced that the next time someone walked by in handcuffs, i was going to jump up and say "Hey Billy!" just so the bailiff thought i knew him and they'd let me go. Crazy lady thought that was so funny that she slapped my leg and laughed. Don't. touch. me!
  
  
• One lady brought her "old man" to jury duty with her. The bailiff was very confused why we had one more juror than we were supposed to, but then "old lady" informed the bailiff that "He's with me, he's my old man." Really? Really? You don't bring a friend to jury duty. You bring a book!
  
  
• Another lady had the nerve to wear black stirrup pants. I haven't seen those since i was in 3rd grade -- and i didn't know they made them in plus size (and either did she, b/c these were wayy too snug)! To top it off, she had the nerve to wear some light up flip flops. It's one thing to be a 4 year-old boy and sporting your light up Bob the Builder shoes, but you can't be a grown woman wearing light up flip flops!
  
  
• All the bailiffs look like Betty White. I'm not kidding. I'm not saying that bailiffs need to be young men, but really, Betty White?
  
  
• Some people are way too excited about getting paid $20 a day. That's only a good deal if we are up there for an hour or so. Anything longer than that, and we are basically paying to be held hostage. And don't even get me started on the mileage pay. I live 2 miles from the courthouse. It will cost them more to mail my mileage check than actually pay me.
  

We shall see what today holds for jury duty. I expect one of two things to happen:

1) I get on a kick-butt murder case, end up being the foreman and then later i get interviewed for a story on True TV.

or

2) They release me ---FOR GOOD.

Potluck Friday

Happy Friday!

1. If i could go back in time, i'd give Leonardo DiCaprio an Oscar for his role in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? I watched that movie this morning and it just reminded me of how dang good Leo was in the role. I'm sure you are wondering how it's not even 9 a.m. and i've had time to watch a movie. Well, these days i don't sleep well (thanks Pumpkin Seed) so i watch random movies, cartoons, the Joy Behar show (that woman is crazy and her accent is crazier) and lots of male enhancement commercials. I don't know why i can't sleep. I'm not uncomfortable (yet) but i just seem to not be able to sleep past 3 .m. Oh well, i guess my body is preparing me for October.
   
2. Is it rude that when i can't sleep i sometimes -- by sometimes i mean often -- wake up James and ask him questions like: "What are you dreaming about?" "What are you doing?" "When are you gonna wake up? and "Do you want to get up and play?" He thinks i'm a lunatic, but i think i'm doing him a favor by trying to prepare him for the role of fatherhood. I told him to pretend like i'm a crying baby.
   
3. I am convinced that Kelly from the Real Housewives of New York City is the CRAZIEST person in the WORLD. Yes, i said world. It pains me to watch her. Bravo! would never put a mentally ill person on the show and let her fight with the other women, so...oh wait, yes they would: KELLY!
   
4. James and I have both been called for jury duty on the same day. At least i won't be sitting up there alone, but jury duty sounds like no fun -- unless Pauly Shore is gonna be there.
   
5. What am i jamming this week? "OMG" by Mr. Usher Raymond. Me loves this song, it has Black Eyed Peas feel to it (probably because it features Will.I.Am):
   

Med Fair 2010 (it's not what you think)

So when the alarm went off this morning i was tempted to hit snooze and skip the gym, but then i had a flashback of all the delicious things i ate at the Medieval Fair over the weekend. My diet consisted of: a slice of pepperoni pizza, a 1/3 of a funnel cake, two lemonades (one blueberry and one strawberry), chicken on a stick with rice, a corn dog, an ice cream cone, a snow cone, a bite of a fried snickers, a bite of fried egg plant. I'm sure i had some other things over my two-day visit, but i've surpressed the memories. The food was not the only delicious part of the Medieval Fair. Some of my favorite quotes:

"Hey bro, ain't nothing better than a black man in a kilt." -- guy who was trying to get my little brother to buy a kilt.

"If you are Asian, you shouldn't come to the Medieval Fair and eat rice!" --T. Marie, annoyed when she saw an Asian kid eating stir fry.

"So i guess i shouldn't have had the chicken on a stick yesterday?" -- ReRe, responding to T. Marie's Asian comment.

Some of my favorite sites at the fair:

a black guy dressed in Medieval garb. I've been going to Med Fair for over 20 years and have NEVER seen a black person dressed up. I thought we knew better than that, but apparently we don't.

All the raccoon tails hanging out the back of folks' pants. Since when is this Medieval?

The guy dressed as a pirate pushing a set of triplets. I'm sure child welfare should investigate.

All the boobies. Young boobies, old boobies. The Med Fair is a boob man -- and infants -- heaven!

My favorite things to do at Med Fair:
Eat
complain about how much i ate
stalk inappropriately dressed people so i can take their picture
make fun of what folks are wearing

(Blogger's Note: Blogger is being cranky this morning and not letting me upload photos...)