Wives before Bros, yo!

James: there's an app called Bro App that i can get and have it send you messages at certain times.
ReRe: Bro App? Like "why you mad, bro?!"
James: yeah!
ReRe: what kind of messages?
James: like i'm thinking of you messages. i can set it up to send them to you every day at a certain time.
ReRe: so you would schedule when to tell me you are thinking of me?!
James: ......
ReRe: hmmm. well i'll find an app that will schedule nice stuff for you too -- but i'll set it for once a year!
James: ..... :(

I heard it through the crazy vine!

Here's a recap of recent of some convos heard around casa de ReRe Ramblings:

ReRe: Are you going to come move your plate from the table? This ain't the Waffle House.
James: No, this is the Awful House...BWAHAHAHAH!

James: Are you interesed in seeing that movie Rock of Ages?
ReRe: No.
James: Because it's before your time?
ReRe: No, it's because i'm black!

The makings of a black widow

I admit I'm a girlie girl and do not hesitate to yell like one if I see a creepy crawler. I married James for many reasons -- and one of those reasons is to handle creepy crawlers. I thought he knew this, but i recently learned this was a wrong assumption (you know what they say about assuming).

The other day while cleaning out the tub I saw what can only be described as the lovechild between a crab and a scorpion. (I'm literally shuttering just typing that, ick!). It was maybe an inch long, but it looked like it was packing heat, so i did what any girlie girl would do....I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.

ReRe: AHHHH. BABY, BABY! COME HERE, QUICK, HELP!

My night and shining armor came running in the bathroom concerned.

James: What's wrong???
ReRe: There, look, it's a bug. It has  pincher and claws, kill it! KILL IT!!! What is it?
James: Calm down. it's nothing. (he flushes it)
ReRe: What was it?
James: I don't know.
ReRe: It had pinchers? What was it?
James: I don't know. Did you seriously scream like that for a little bug. I ran in here and didn't even pause my video game and now I'm going to lose my pro status. Next time you scream like that it needs to be for something serious, like a black widow.
ReRe: You know what? I'm about to be black widow!

the crAzy Team

Ever since James was a child he's been obsessed with the  A-Team. He will randomly hum the song and sometimes when we're driving, he'll break out in A-Team talk like we are the A Team. This was the case yesterday. A plane flying over Flood Street apparently triggered his A Team bug and this conversation ensued:

James: Uh-Oh, we better go break out Murdock!
ReRe: What? What are you talking about?
James: We are the A-Team! Murdock is the crazy guy in the asylum. You are B.A., I'm Hannibal and River is Faceman because he's so cute.
ReRe: What?! I have to be Mr. T? Why, because i'm black?!
James: Well, i guess you could be Amy Allen, the reporter who'd hang with them sometimes.
ReRe: You think?!
James: And maybe i should be Murdock, the crazy guy.
ReRe: YOU THINK?!

Deviled Eggs

I love when the hubby compliments my cooking. But i think this past Saturday he gave me a "compliment" that i just didn't know how to take.

Saturdays are our mornings for big breakfasts. So as we settled down to scrambled eggs, pancakes and hashbrowns, James said:

When we get to heaven, i hope you have to cook breakfast every day!

I guess he doesn't realize that if I have to cook breakfast every day, my guess is that i didn't make it to heaven!

Hair on my back, foot in my mouth

Whenever James or I do something for the River Monster (bathe him, feed him, care for him), we remind him that he better remember all of that when he's looking at nursing homes for us. We figure we are taking great care of him, so he should repay the favor. Makes sense, right?!

Well, apparently my lovely husband has really been thinking about his days in Shady Meadows -- or wherever River puts us up -- because we had this conversation earlier this week:

James: Do i have hair on my back?
ReRe: No.
James: Good. When I'm old, i hope River puts me in a nursing home that regularly shaves my body hair. I don't want to be one of those old dudes covered in hair. I want to look good, so i can have my pick of the ladies and not get stuck with the chick who just poops on herself.
ReRe: Ummm? Where am I? Won't i be in the nursing home with you? Why would you need your pick of the ladies if I'm there?
James: Yeah, yeah. You'll be there. But you'll have dementia. So....
ReRe: So, it's ok to date then? Ok. I gotcha. Thanks for the insight Pat Robertson!

So note to Riv: daddy wants to be in a home that regularly shaves his body hair.
Second not to Riv: daddy probably won't live long enough to see said nursing home, and mama may be in jail!

Ghetto talk, by James

One of the many reasons i love James is because he embraces his goof-ballness. He's the ultimate white guy (not Weird Al white, but close) and isn't afraid to show it in a variety of ways.

For example, recently he displayed his ultra whiteness with some little Eminem-inspired riddles for me.

James: Baby.
ReRe: What.
James: Where does Eminem go on vacation?
ReRe: ( i knew the answer, but i let him humor me) Where?
James: To the Be-atch!
ReRe: Yeah...i've heard that one.
James: Who's Eminem's favorite cast member of Saved by the Bell?
ReRe: Huh?
James: Scree-actch!
ReRe: (i think i wet my pants laughing)
James: Who's Eminem's favorite member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
ReRe: ( i can't name any members, so i was stumped)
James: Flee-atch!

It went on and on...so much so that i think we were late for work. The best one by far was this gem:

James: What does Eminem brush his teeth with since he doesn't have a flip top mouth?

RE-ATCH!

Now that was a pants wetter!

Oh, no he DIDN'T...

So some of my friends have been raving about this olive oil and sugar scrub that supposed to make your skin feel baby smooth. So Sunday morning I decided to give it a try ...and i was IMPRESSED! I told River "in your face buddy; i'm just as smooth as you." I admit i got a little carried away with the scrub and we ended up being 20 minutes late to church -- and this conversation ensued between my loving husband and me:

ReRe: We are so late to church.
James: If someone hadn't taken so much time scrubbing herself with olive oil and sugar we'd be on time.
ReRe: Hey! It was worth it. Did you feel how smooth I am? Feel my feet. They are so smooth. Jesus would wash these feet!
James: Well, yes he would...he did wash the feet of hookers.


You will be missed James
1976-Sunday, July 31, 2011 10:06 a.m.
Cause of death: his mouth!

A peak inside a Lunsford mind: peaceful

There's really nothing on TV Sunday afternoons. So this past Sunday, James and i found ourselves watching one of those dance movies. I don't know which one it was exactly, but let's just call it "Step Up, Because You Got Served in the Electric Boogaloo."

I think one of the guys from the 90s group Immature was in it. Anywhoo, after awhile I'd had enough and told James: Change the channel. You're too white and we're too old for this movie.

But it really got us thinking. Are there really folks out there that take dancing that serious? Are there really groups battling each other for street cred? I honestly like the idea of young folks battling each other with the cabbage patch and the percolator (do folks still do those) versus pulling out a gun. Can you imagine how much nicer the 10 o'clock news would be: Another dance war broke out in northeast Oklahoma City leaving two young black men served. They plan to battle again next Tuesday.

Imagine how peaceful the world is in the brain of a Lunsford!

My life on the wild side

So James and I recently got a Sam's membership. I initially thought we'd save tons of money on diapers -- but what i found out is just because it's at Sam's doesn't mean it's cheaper. So we still buy our diapers at Wally Word. But we are loving Sam's if for nothing but the samples! Is it sad that my favorite "date" is walking through Sam's with James. What makes it even better is that James is a vegetarian and a picky eater in general, so he doesn't like 99 percent of samples...so i get double!

Let me set the scene:

We stalk the best samples. If the sample lady is not ready (why does it take them so long? just set out the dang rotisserie chicken, it ain't gotta be an art display), we pretend to look at other things beside her. "Ooooh baby! look at these frozen peas!" "oh yeah, those look nice...all 66 pounds of them."

And then when she's ready, we SWOOP in.

ReRe: oooh, chicken! I didn't see these when i walked by earlier. Hey babe, here's some chicken i think you'd like!
James: (in his best meat-eater voice) Yum, that looks good.

We both grab chicken samples. I gobble mine. Once we round the corner and are out of ear shot of the sample lady (because she would even care), James always looks down at his sample and says the same thing: Oh my, i just remembered i don't eat meat. I guess you better eat this.

And i gobble his (well, i share with River)!

Now, you are probably laughing at me that i take my sample sneaking so seriously. Heck, the sample lady could probably care less if took two chicken wings instead of one. But i've lived a relatively low-key, no-trouble life (i live all the gangsta living up to my brothers), so this is my once a week to be a bad mamma jamma -- don't steal my thunder!

Another adventure in parenting

Yesterday i spread a blanket on the floor for Riv so we could have some fun with blocks. He chewed on the blocks and threw them at the dogs while i tried to turn our play time into some learning time.
I'd hold up a letter block and tell him what the letter was and a word that started with that letter.

"B is for Baby!"

"E is for Egg!"

Then i got to N and for some reason the first word that popped in my head was Negro.

So there i sat, holding up a wood block with a green N and said "N is for Negro."

River cracked up!

A couple of hours later i noticed James was playing the same game.

He held up a block with an F on it, paused, and said "F is for Funky Fresh."

So just our luck someone is gonna ask Riv his name and he's going to say "Funky Fresh Negro."

There is a reason why James and I have never been invited as guest stars on Sesame Street!

Potluck Friday

Yay! Happy Friday!

1. Who went to bed last night at 7:30? Umm, you can't see me, but i have my hand in the air. You'd think i'd be rested, but i'm still exhausted. River is an easy baby, not fussy, sleeps through the night, etc. But dang, he just makes me tired! between loving on those fat cheeks, doing laundry and trying to maintain looking fabulous for my hubby (well, as fabulous as i can look while still feeling like i look like a melted hershey kiss) i'm tired! So double TGIF!
   
   
2. I don't regularly tune in to Idol, but i saw enough on Tuesday to know that the dude who "sang" the Usher song needed to go, and luckily America agreed with me. I think that was the WORST thing i've ever heard. And i'm glad everyone thinks that Jacob Lusk is the second coming of Luther, but i have two thoughts on that: 1) No he's not and 2) even if he was, who cares because the 12 year-old girls voting have no idea that a house is not a home or who Luther is!
   
   
3. For the first time in 29 years, i'm giving up something for Lent. Sweets. So from Wednesday, March 9 - Saturday, April 23 (my wedding anniversary) I'm going to be a hot freaking mess! So you've been warned. I HAVE to do this. I work out like a mad woman, i've done so for year. I love me some cardio. And i truly believe that if Betty Crocker had never been born, i'd totally be a size 2. But dang that Betty and her delicious recipes for all things that make my butt big(ger). That coupled with having a group of girlfriends that love food do not help the situation. so i'm trying to take out my kryptonite. Wish me luck! (and James luck, and well, anyone who is around me those 40 days).
   
   
4. (TMI Alert) So last night when i woke up from my mid-evening nap, the house smelled warm and good, like something had been cooked. I was starving and was excited at the prospect of something tasty. While i slept, James and River spent time playing and doing dishes. I rolled over and looked at James:
   ReRe: The house smells yummy! Did you cook something.
   James: No, but i farted.
   
   Thanks honey. Thanks for making my appetite disappear faster than Taylor Hicks on the Top 40 Hits list. Thanks for that!
   
   
5. What's ReRe jamming this week. Some Lil Wayne!!! I love Mr. Carter. and i love this song "6 foot 7 foot." Mr. Carter is a talented dude. And i strongly suggest watching his Behind the Music story -- totally will make you see him in a different light. (wow, i have a crush on him).
   

The Great Wall of China (aka getting "fixed) Debate

It's funny how the second you bust out a kid, everyone wants to know one thing: When are you guys having another one?

Well, honestly River is still under warranty so were seeing if he is a keeper or not before we make any decisions. Haha! Just kidding! If I knew for a fact that all babies were as easy as River, i'd have a dozen. But I know this is not the case, so therefore James and i will not be having a dozen mixie babies.

But we will have at least one more. I'm cool with two, but James (who is #9 of 11 kids) would like at least 3. So that brings us to the conversation we had recently:

James: So when we have kid # 3 are you going to get your tubes tied?

ReRe (shocked, because pretty sure we've discussed this before): Ummm, who says were having 3? AND I'm NOT the one getting fixed? It's YOU!

James: Me?

ReRe: Yea, it's your soldiers who are gonna be blocked by the great wall of China. It's an easier process for you. Snippity snip, in and out. Why should i have the kids PLUS have to have another huge process? No thank you! It's all you buddy!

James: But what if my younger second wife wants to have kids?!

I then proceeded to punch him in the jejunum!

For your viewing pleasuring: River! (I call this photo "Half White/Half Black Power")

This little piggy went to, um, um...

I'm not going to pretend that James and I are super parents, but i'll admit that we are pretty good ones! Maybe we are just naturals, OR (and i think it's this one) maybe we just lucked out and got an easy going kiddos that just makes us look good. Either way, i'm not complaining.

BUT i will admit there is one area that James and I are lacking in: nursery rhymes.

We have no idea the words to most nursery rhymes and kid songs. I sing "You are my sunshine" because i best know the words to that -- but it was until recently that i realized i was singing it in the wrong tune.

I mostly sing Top 40 to River -- edited versions of course. And James sings what ever pops into his head. The other day he was singing him the theme song to "Two and a Half Men." and yes, that song only has two words.

So i admit that we struggle in this area, but i didn't realize until this morning that James' struggle was much worse than mine until he asked me this:

"What did the first little piggy do again?"

Apparently James forgot that the first piggy went to the market! He's been telling River that the piggy went to the mall or to town -- depending on the day.

ReRe: How do you not know the words to "This little piggy?!"

James: Flog me, pull me out in the streets and flog me and tell the world that i don't know the words to "This little piggy."

Well, i'm telling the world -- the flogging will come later.

From the mouth of James

Wise things my hubby says:

ReRe: You need to start taking more pics of me and River. i have tons of pics of you and him, but not many of me and and him.
James: You need to start wearing clothes and i will take more pictures of you and the kid.

He has a good point. I'm sure River does not want a scrapbook of pics of him and his mommy, where i'm rocking out nothing but nappy hair, pajama pants and a nursing bra.

Weird things my hubby says:

Christmas Eve morning, James, River and I all snuggled in bed. It was a picture perfect moment as James and i held hands.
And then my hubby said the weirdest thing:

James: Is it strange that i'm imagining that scene from Ernest Saves Christmas were the old Santa is transferring his powers to the new Santa? I'm imagining that you are the new Santa and my hands are transferring powers to your hand.

Umm, ok???? Way to make the moment, um, weird.

He said WHAT?!

Blog James and real-life James seem like two different people to some folks. When folks first meet my hubby they automatically thinks he's going to start busting jokes and telling the silly stories that i post, but in reality James is a pretty quiet guy. He's got to really know someone before his blog-worthy side comes out. But when it does come out, watch out!
Those of you who have seen or heard him in action know what i mean. But for those of you who have never witnessed it first-hand, i leave you with this little taste:

James: (making a weird clicking noise) click, clickity clock, click click
ReRe: What are you doing that for?
James: Did i just call you something bad in your native tongue?!

BURN!

One of my stand-up jokes that i opened with was about how my first and middle names are, well, um, unusual (even more unusual that ReRe), but my maiden name is Smith. So i always joked that given my first name, you'd expect my maiden name to be something like Clickity, Click, Ooh, Ooh! It always got a laugh.

Guess this time the laughs on me!

River Monster Count Down: due in 5 days

I'm NOT old!

I love when our men can make us feel young and good -- but those don't make funny posts.

But these conversations do:

ReRe: You know what is depressing?
James: What?
ReRe: When you are watching a reality show and the name and age of the person pops up and you realize you are older than most of the contestants.
James: Well, sweetie, you are getting to the age where you are going to be older than most reality show people. You can be on a reality show at like 18, 21, these days. You are probably older than all the people on America's Next Top Model.
ReRe: Ok? Thanks? You really know how to make me feel good!

Potluck Friday

OHHHHHH What a week it has been....

1. It's not just TGIF, it's TGIMCHF: Thank God it's MC Hammer Friday! Yep, that's right, River and i will be stepping out to my baby boy's first concert tonight. I'm sure he will be have his parachute pants on in utero. I'm going with two crazy girls who i'm sure will make the night loads of fun...AND the concert is at the State Fair, so not only do i get to see MC Hammer, i also get to see all kinds of folks that you only get to see this time of year (unless you are watching cops). I'm going to be the DD tonight since, well, it would be inappropriate for me to throw back a few at the concert. Or would it? My girlfriend made an interesting point: "I'm sure you would not be the only pregnant woman drinking at the State Fair." True Dat, but i'll refrain!
   
   
2. We all know that men are just a different species. They think different from any other animal on this planet. I love to watch them in their natural habitat. I love to just sit back and see how their mind works. I did this recently and here is what i saw:
   ReRe: Baby, what's going on on the back of your boxers?
   James: Huh? (tries to turn far enough behind him to check it out, of course he can't see)
   ReRe: You have a big hole! It's like you are naked!
   James: What?! (He goes and looks in the mirror, and sure enough there's a Grand Canyon size piece of material missing).
   
   So what does man do? He takes them off, replaces them with an intact pair, and then puts the holey pair in the dirty clothes -- so of course we can have this same conversation next week.
   ReRe: Umm, baby, how about you put those in the TRASH.
   James: Good idea.
   
   
3. So folks are really loving this Facebook dilly whopper where you can tell everyone where you are right then and there (i'm sure i've ranted about this, but i'm gonna rant again). Not only do folks not need to know that you are at the Waffle House, BUT isn't that basically and open invite for folks to go rob you? Especially if you are telling the world you are somewhere that is way to cool to be in your home state? There's no Ikea in Oklahoma, but last week i had 5 girlfriends who all checked in there, and if i was a ghettoer person, i would have been checking in at their fancy houses! But i'm not that ghetto (and i'm too hot, pregnant and lazy to go break the law) -- but i guarantee you we all have at least one ghetto person on our friends list who would totally ponder the idea (that's why i try to keep all my ghetto friends on Myspace -- Separate but Equal-ish).
   
   
4. I'm so glad Fall TV is back! Glee and Big Bang Theory were greatly missed in the James and ReRe household. The Real Housewives of Atlanta returns Monday! Now i'm just waiting on V to come back and i'll be a happy couch potato.
   
   
5. What's ReRe jamming this week? "Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz featuring Nicki Minaj (who is kinda weird):
   

Potluck Friday

Woot-Woot to Friday!

1. I'm running on 2 hours of sleep, so if i start rambling end this post mid-sentence you will know why. I was actually getting some good, dead-to-the world sleep last night -- until my great aunt called me at 12:30 a.m. I didn't answer, i thought it would be safer for me to not answer than to answer and yell at one of my elders. But boy was i ticked. She did leave a voicemail that said something to the tune of "hey baby, it's aunt loves to call you at midnight. call me back." Seriously. Seriously. In her defense we do have an ailing family member so we've been talking a lot more, but not 12:30 IN THE MORNING! So of course i couldn't fall back to sleep so i sat up surfing the interweb, watching my stories and some Family Guy. At 2 a.m. my need for revenge kicked in, so i called my aunt back -- she didn't answer. I bet she was counting sleep like nobody's business.
   
   
2. So apparently this lady couldn't think of any better way to get national attention other than splashing her face with acid and saying a stranger did it. What a wack job. She couldn't, i don't know, pretend to be kidnapped, pretend to be a man and announce she's pregnant, call TLC and tell them she's a little person with 6 kids and pregnant with quads? Yeah, these all are extreme (except for that last thing, TLC would eat that up), but they are all way saner than putting acid on her face. What i love about this story is it was a blogger who started questioning her story! See, bloggers aren't just attention hogs blabbing on the interweb!
   
   
3. Later today i will be doing something i've never done: getting a pedicure! I've been doing a lot of grooming in preparation for my little man's arrival. NO, i won't be one of those ladies who goes to the hospital with a face full of make-up and big Oscar-ready hair, but i don't want to look like i could be on the cover of National Geographic either. So over the next few weeks i'm getting my baby beauty on. I'm gonna get my feet in order -- i don't want folks to be so focused on rough hammer toes that the aren't paying attention to the person coming out of me. I'm gonna make sure my hair is nap-free as well. When my boy is born, i want him to know he's in good hands -- not the hands of a woman with sticka bush hair and man feet!
   
   
4. If James and I had our own reality show and at the end of each week it showed a Clip of the Week (something outrageous or hilarious), this week's Clip of the Week would be us trying to figure out how the baby travel system works. Putting the stroller together was not difficult, it only took a few minutes to pop on the wheels, but trying to figure out how the car seat actually hooks to the stroller was another story -- that i still haven't mastered. Oh, and those carriers are NOT light, which kind of freaks me out b/c if i think it's heavy WITHOUT a baby in it, what i'm gonna do when i add 7 pounds (ok, yea right, 9 pounds) to it? Clip of the Week!
   
   
5. What is ReRe jamming this week? It's not new, but the more i hear it the more i love Usher "DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again."
   
   

TLC is teasing all the men

So TLC has a new obsession. We all know the network is addicted to little people and people with lots of babies, but apparently TLC is also dabbing into a polygamy obsession and is kicking off a new show called Sister Wives.


My hubby is the one who told me about this upcoming program, which is weird because it's not really a reality TV person...
Anywhoo, we've had several conversations over the topic, and of course i just had to share:

ReRe: Have you noticed that all the wives, or "sister wives" are always kinda homely? I mean, you never see a dude married to 9 hot chicks, they are always just kind plain janes, not too cute at all.
James: Well, i think we should give a plane jane a chance and bring one in!
ReRe: NOT gonna happen. Why is always the dude anyway? You never really hear about ladies with multiple husbands...probably because they are smart. Most of us don't want the one husband we have! Who would want 8 more men to have to bug to pick up their crap?
James: Yeah, you'd have to remind 8 more guys to pick up their underwear.
ReRe: Or remind 8 more guys to throw away the empty milk carton instead of just leaving it on the counter EVERY. DAY.
James: Well, if i had an extra wife, SHE could throw away that carton.

I guess point made?

But it's still NOT gonna happen! (I doubt James is gonna find 8 more mouthy black ladies who are willing to share a hubby. SISTA wives DON'T exist!)