Bikers Beware -- i can't stand you!

This might make some folks mad, but i don't care. You know who i'm not a fan of?

Bikers.

No, not all bikers get on my nerves, but some of yall are just seconds away from some Subaru in your tush.

Oh, you know who you are. You are the guy/gal who rants and raves about how "we have all the rights of the road" and "we need to be respected just like drivers." YET you REFUSE to follow half the rules of the road. Yeah, you might give a half signal here and there with your hand when you feel up to it. But for the most part you only follow the rules when you feel up to it -- which is clearly not often.

• Why do you think you get to just roll on through a 4-way stop? I can't do that in my car, so why do you get to do that just cus you are on a bike?
  
• Why do you get to just cut across all the lanes, making folks slam on their brakes, but i can't do that in my car (well, i guess i could technically do anything you can do, but i guarantee i'm getting pulled over).
• Why do you get to ride down the center of the road, weaving in and out between cars?
• Why do you get to ride under the influence? (not that i want to drive under the influence, but seriously, i'd bet 60% of bikers are drunk -- at least the ones on campus corner).
  
• Why do you think just because you are on a bike, it's appropriate to wear spandex? NO ONE should be wearing spandex, ESPECIALLY if you are not in the privacy of some contraption that is hiding your body.
  
• Why do you get to bounce back and forth between the street lane, the bike lane and the sidewalk? Pick a route and stick with it. Yeah, i could probably get to my destination faster if just hopped on the sidewalk and cut through Mrs. Jones' rose bushes, BUT I CAN'T. And either should you!
  

Two pregnant ladies walk into a salon...

So a little over a week ago i had my first pedicure! My toes still look HAWT! and i think i will partake in another pedi in a couple of weeks. With that being said, the experience was still weird. Maybe it was just the place we went to -- i doubt it though because i've heard similar stories and stand-up acts based solely on pedis -- but could it have been any more stereotypical?!

The answer: NO!

First off, the minute we walked in -- i went with a pregnant girlfriend -- it felt like we were being yelled at. I had no idea what was completely being said but i got the jist that they wanted to know a few things: why are you here? do you have an appointment? pedi? mani? both? color? why are you both so fat? (ok, i threw in that last one, but i totally know they were all thinking it). I had no idea why it took all 8 employees to yell/ask these questions, but it did.

An hour later -- after stuffing our preggo selves with some Mexican food -- we headed back to the salon for our appointments.

We settled in the massage chairs, and the fun began.

I have no idea where the pedi ladies are from, but wherever they grew up they clearly did NOT get a lesson in gossiping.

Gossip Rule #1: when you are talking about someone/someone's feet, it's best not to hold up the foot, yell down the line at all your co-workers, point at the foot and start chatting. Ummm, no, i don't know what you are saying, but i'm pretty sure it ain't good!

Along with totally dissing our feet, the ladies also talked about each and every woman who walked in the salon. When a tall, thin, blond, overly-tanned lady walked in, all the workers stopped, stared, and then rolled their eyes and started "whispering" to each other.

When my lady was ready for my other foot, she would grunt at me until i guessed what she wanted me to do. My girlfriend's lady was a little nicer, even though she spent the hour telling my friend how "huge your belly is." When my friend motioned to my belly and noted that i too was expecting and was further along, her pedi lady brushed it off and said "Yeah, but your belly is much much bigger. healthy baby." I think "healthy baby" means "fat kid you got there," but i don't know.

Besides the gossiping, the other thing that didn't jive with me was the fact that i'm pretty sure -- no, i know -- that they use the same tools on everyone's feet. GROOOOOSSSSSS. This is the exact reason why i've gone 29 years without a pedi. Yes, my toes look nice, but all i could and can think about is the fact that the pumice stone and cuticle thingy used on me was probably used on 7 other people who are all connected to Kevin Bacon some how.

This experience has not soured me to pedis. Like i said, i will partake in another (my girl T. Marie told me of a place that does not use the same tools on everyone!), just not at Natural Nails in Sooner Mall!

(and i thought all the sistas at the beauty shop were bad!)

Potluck Friday

OHHHHHH What a week it has been....

1. It's not just TGIF, it's TGIMCHF: Thank God it's MC Hammer Friday! Yep, that's right, River and i will be stepping out to my baby boy's first concert tonight. I'm sure he will be have his parachute pants on in utero. I'm going with two crazy girls who i'm sure will make the night loads of fun...AND the concert is at the State Fair, so not only do i get to see MC Hammer, i also get to see all kinds of folks that you only get to see this time of year (unless you are watching cops). I'm going to be the DD tonight since, well, it would be inappropriate for me to throw back a few at the concert. Or would it? My girlfriend made an interesting point: "I'm sure you would not be the only pregnant woman drinking at the State Fair." True Dat, but i'll refrain!
   
   
2. We all know that men are just a different species. They think different from any other animal on this planet. I love to watch them in their natural habitat. I love to just sit back and see how their mind works. I did this recently and here is what i saw:
   ReRe: Baby, what's going on on the back of your boxers?
   James: Huh? (tries to turn far enough behind him to check it out, of course he can't see)
   ReRe: You have a big hole! It's like you are naked!
   James: What?! (He goes and looks in the mirror, and sure enough there's a Grand Canyon size piece of material missing).
   
   So what does man do? He takes them off, replaces them with an intact pair, and then puts the holey pair in the dirty clothes -- so of course we can have this same conversation next week.
   ReRe: Umm, baby, how about you put those in the TRASH.
   James: Good idea.
   
   
3. So folks are really loving this Facebook dilly whopper where you can tell everyone where you are right then and there (i'm sure i've ranted about this, but i'm gonna rant again). Not only do folks not need to know that you are at the Waffle House, BUT isn't that basically and open invite for folks to go rob you? Especially if you are telling the world you are somewhere that is way to cool to be in your home state? There's no Ikea in Oklahoma, but last week i had 5 girlfriends who all checked in there, and if i was a ghettoer person, i would have been checking in at their fancy houses! But i'm not that ghetto (and i'm too hot, pregnant and lazy to go break the law) -- but i guarantee you we all have at least one ghetto person on our friends list who would totally ponder the idea (that's why i try to keep all my ghetto friends on Myspace -- Separate but Equal-ish).
   
   
4. I'm so glad Fall TV is back! Glee and Big Bang Theory were greatly missed in the James and ReRe household. The Real Housewives of Atlanta returns Monday! Now i'm just waiting on V to come back and i'll be a happy couch potato.
   
   
5. What's ReRe jamming this week? "Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz featuring Nicki Minaj (who is kinda weird):
   

Potluck Friday

Woot-Woot to Friday!

1. I'm running on 2 hours of sleep, so if i start rambling end this post mid-sentence you will know why. I was actually getting some good, dead-to-the world sleep last night -- until my great aunt called me at 12:30 a.m. I didn't answer, i thought it would be safer for me to not answer than to answer and yell at one of my elders. But boy was i ticked. She did leave a voicemail that said something to the tune of "hey baby, it's aunt loves to call you at midnight. call me back." Seriously. Seriously. In her defense we do have an ailing family member so we've been talking a lot more, but not 12:30 IN THE MORNING! So of course i couldn't fall back to sleep so i sat up surfing the interweb, watching my stories and some Family Guy. At 2 a.m. my need for revenge kicked in, so i called my aunt back -- she didn't answer. I bet she was counting sleep like nobody's business.
   
   
2. So apparently this lady couldn't think of any better way to get national attention other than splashing her face with acid and saying a stranger did it. What a wack job. She couldn't, i don't know, pretend to be kidnapped, pretend to be a man and announce she's pregnant, call TLC and tell them she's a little person with 6 kids and pregnant with quads? Yeah, these all are extreme (except for that last thing, TLC would eat that up), but they are all way saner than putting acid on her face. What i love about this story is it was a blogger who started questioning her story! See, bloggers aren't just attention hogs blabbing on the interweb!
   
   
3. Later today i will be doing something i've never done: getting a pedicure! I've been doing a lot of grooming in preparation for my little man's arrival. NO, i won't be one of those ladies who goes to the hospital with a face full of make-up and big Oscar-ready hair, but i don't want to look like i could be on the cover of National Geographic either. So over the next few weeks i'm getting my baby beauty on. I'm gonna get my feet in order -- i don't want folks to be so focused on rough hammer toes that the aren't paying attention to the person coming out of me. I'm gonna make sure my hair is nap-free as well. When my boy is born, i want him to know he's in good hands -- not the hands of a woman with sticka bush hair and man feet!
   
   
4. If James and I had our own reality show and at the end of each week it showed a Clip of the Week (something outrageous or hilarious), this week's Clip of the Week would be us trying to figure out how the baby travel system works. Putting the stroller together was not difficult, it only took a few minutes to pop on the wheels, but trying to figure out how the car seat actually hooks to the stroller was another story -- that i still haven't mastered. Oh, and those carriers are NOT light, which kind of freaks me out b/c if i think it's heavy WITHOUT a baby in it, what i'm gonna do when i add 7 pounds (ok, yea right, 9 pounds) to it? Clip of the Week!
   
   
5. What is ReRe jamming this week? It's not new, but the more i hear it the more i love Usher "DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again."
   
   

What i was doing 22 years ago...

Happy 22nd Birthday to Middle Bro!


22 years ago today i was 7 years-old and my mama asked me a question that changed my life: Do you want to go school or do you want to go with me to the hospital so i can have the baby?

Umm, even at 7 i knew that i wanted what was behind door #2! So we hopped in the car and my laboring mom drove to my Uncle Ben's house so he could drive us to the hospital in OKC. Uncle Ben came out of the house with a cold, unopened beer. My mom immediately grabbed the beer and sucked all the condensation off the can, thus was the beginning of what i now know is called active labor.

She panted and sucked that beer can for the entire 45 minute drive, while my 7 year-old self made a promise to my future self to NEVER have a baby. EVER. (fail)

Uncle Ben pulled up in front of the hospital and hopped out to go get some help. The next thing i knew, my mom was slipping off her red shorts. "What are you doing?!" I squealed. "I can't wait sweetie, the baby is coming now. Give me your hand."

I'll never forget how all that pressure on my tiny chunky hand felt as my mom squeezed down. It felt like she was squeezing my hand forever, but it couldn't have been too long -- help still hadn't arrived!

What we now know was a baby boy fell on the floor board of the car. The baby cried. I cried: "Pick it up, pick it up!!!!" My mom cried: "No! It's going to be a boy and I don't want a boy!"

Yes ladies and gents, my mom -- who eventually birthed two boys who she spoiled rotten -- spent 37 years of her life adamant that if she had ever a boy "the doctor better put it where he found it."

When help finally arrived, they found this scene: A half-dressed postpartum woman sitting in the front seat, a chunky, shocked 7 year-old in the backseat, and a naked newborn crying on the floor. And we were locked in the car!

I remember nurses and docs knocking on the windows and telling us to unlock the doors. The windows were slightly cracked and rain was starting to come in. I don't know if my mom was just shocked because she had just delivered a baby with her 7 year-old in the backseat of the car, or if she was shocked at the prospect that this baby on the floor might be a boy. Either way, it felt like forever until the doors finally unlocked and we all got out of the car.

And sure enough baby that crying baby was a boy. My little brother Jared!

I spent the next couple of hours with my Uncle Ben. Our first trip was to the car wash. I remember him looking down to the ground, smoking his cigarette, shaking his head and saying "My car will never be the same. Never." He later sold that car.

I was very excited to go to school the next day. Not only was it Friday, but it was Show 'n Tell and i had the best tell ever! Ms. Love let me go first so i could tell everyone why i was absent the day before. The story was like the above, except Ms. Love cut me off when i got to the part where i explained that my new little brother came out covered in what my 7 year-old mind could only describe as stuff that looked like butter ( i now know that "butter" is really called vernix caseosa).

I will admit it was not love-at-first-sight with my new brother. I was jealous. And he wasn't all that cute in the beginning (and he would agree with me). But i must say that i've fallen deeply in love over the last 22 years. Middle Bro -- who i have called Bubby for 22 years and will do so for the rest of my life! -- is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love him dearly and am so grateful he made me his big sister! Happy Birthday Bubby! Go party like it's 1988 -- but with less crying and more clothes on!

Move over Bra, there's another sheriff in town that the ladies are gonna love!

You know what's wrong with the world today? You can't tell the difference between a real product commercial and a Saturday Night Live skit. Wait, well, maybe you can, but sadly the commercials are wayyyy funnier than SNL these days.

Here's an example:



Don't get me wrong, i totally see the need for something like this. I'm a booby girl and could totally make use for something like this -- probably could have used it yesterday -- but i still can't help but laugh at the ad. My favorite quote is at the :27 mark:

"So you can decide just how much cleavage you'll show."

I love how the announcer tried to be so professional with that line! I'm sure left on the cutting board floors are audio clips of her saying:

"So you can decide if you are gonna tease or please."
"So you can decide if you really want that raise or not."
"So you can decide if the girls get to come out and play."

Love it.

TLC is teasing all the men

So TLC has a new obsession. We all know the network is addicted to little people and people with lots of babies, but apparently TLC is also dabbing into a polygamy obsession and is kicking off a new show called Sister Wives.


My hubby is the one who told me about this upcoming program, which is weird because it's not really a reality TV person...
Anywhoo, we've had several conversations over the topic, and of course i just had to share:

ReRe: Have you noticed that all the wives, or "sister wives" are always kinda homely? I mean, you never see a dude married to 9 hot chicks, they are always just kind plain janes, not too cute at all.
James: Well, i think we should give a plane jane a chance and bring one in!
ReRe: NOT gonna happen. Why is always the dude anyway? You never really hear about ladies with multiple husbands...probably because they are smart. Most of us don't want the one husband we have! Who would want 8 more men to have to bug to pick up their crap?
James: Yeah, you'd have to remind 8 more guys to pick up their underwear.
ReRe: Or remind 8 more guys to throw away the empty milk carton instead of just leaving it on the counter EVERY. DAY.
James: Well, if i had an extra wife, SHE could throw away that carton.

I guess point made?

But it's still NOT gonna happen! (I doubt James is gonna find 8 more mouthy black ladies who are willing to share a hubby. SISTA wives DON'T exist!)

Potluck Friday

1. My hubby has been reprimanding me for not blogging all week. I apologize, BUT in my defense i must say it's hard to wake up and be funny when you are living on 3 hours of sleep. I expect to be sleep deprived in 6 weeks when my boy comes, but no one told me that the last few weeks of pregnancy are so freaking uncomfortable. I've always had junk in the trunk, but trying to sleep with junk in the trunk and front -- and then peeing every 30 seconds is a lot harder than i thought it'd be. So again, i apologize. But at least i gotta Potluck for ya (that's all that counts!).
   
   
   
2. So about 6 months ago i had to break down and buy some clinical strength deodorant (that sets me back $8. EIGHT BUCKS). Another thing no one told me is that hormones can drastically change and make you funkier. Well, they can. BUT this week i realized that my hormones had not changed...the only thing that freaking changed is that Sure deodorant decided to get all sneaky and change its package to look like my Secret. Yes, 6 months ago on my deodorant run, i accidentally grabbed a Sure, thinking it was my Secret (which has not told on me in 17 years). But after a few days i just felt wet and funk. Instead of taking a good look at my deodorant and realizing it was the wrong brand, i just got depressed that the deodorant strong enough for a man, but made for a woman was no longer made for me. This week James ran out of deodorant and decided to use the "Secret" that was still sitting on dresser -- untouched since March. It wasn't until he was putting it on that i realized "THAT'S NOT SECRET! AND I'M NOT FUNKY(ER)!" So i think the folks who make Sure should pay me $24 -- that's $8 that i shelled out monthly for my clinical strength deodorant. You owe me Sure.
   
   
3. As we prepare for the arrival of River, we've really been trying to act like good parents, you know, pretend like he's already here and try to do things like: wear more clothes around the house (yes, we are THOSE people), sit at the dinner table (we are striving to be THOSE people), and (this is something James is working on) not making suggestive motions when i'm bent over the oven. Another thing we are working on is making sure the pan and pot handles are not hanging over the stove when we cook. I'm better than James at ensuring all the handles are turned. The other day i pointed to his handles and reminded him of the safety risk:
   ReRe: (pointing to pot handle) Baby, what would happen if River grabbed this and poured hot food all over his face? We have to keep these turned in.
   James: If River can reach through your ya-ya and grab that pot handle, i say more power to him.
   We will continue to work on this.
   
   
   
   
4. I don't think i'm a fan of the new location thingy on Facebook. For two reasons: 1) it could be a safety risk. Do you really want to tell 600+ people you just arrived at some restaurant 900 miles away from your house? I don't know about you, but i have some ghetto Facebook friends who i DON'T want knowing when i'm out of town! and 2) It's annoying! know one cares that you are at 'home', 'wal-greens' , or 'kfc.' The only time you should use this feature is if you are somewhere really cool or really shady. For example 'sugers' is a great example (for those of you who don't know, Sugers is a skeezy strip club on Campus Corner, and i'm pretty sure they'd hire me today (that tells you a lot!). You can't tell me you wouldn't roll on the floor if you saw, say your pastor or uncle put that he had just arrived at Sugers!
   
   
   
5. What is ReRe jamming this week? It's "Break My Bank" by New Boyz featuring lyza:
   
   
   

Potluck Friday

1. First i must say that i think drugs are bad. BUT does it make me a bad person that i think some drugs are badder (yes i said badder) than other. It's kind of like a sin. You know, a sin is a sin is a sin. But in reality, some sins are worse than others. Coveting your neighbor's wife is a sin, but it's way better than going over there and choking your neighbor and hiding his body in the basement. So, any who, some drugs are badder than others, which is why i was doubly disappointed in the hotness that is T.I. when i read that not only was he arrested for drug possession, but one of those drugs was METH. Meth?!!!! Come on T.I. Have you not seen the Crystal Darkness documentary (I have a copy i can loan you and your wifey)? Have you never seen meth mouth? It's bad to get arrested for drugs at all, but to get arrested fro meth is even trashier. yuck.
   
2. Guess what i'm gonna be doing this weekend? Here are some clues: yellow cake with chocolate icing, lots of red drink and sweet tea, collard greens, fried chicken, dominoes, old dudes dancing and cuttin up, so loud you can't hear your own thoughts. If you said going to a family reunion, you are wrong. I'm going to a BLACK FOLKS family reunion. We get down different than any other folks and it's gonna be on! Did i ever tell you about the first time I took James to a reunion? We were in the food line and he leaned over and pointed to the collard greens and said "What's that?" I said "Greens." he replied "What are 'greens'?" And the entire dining hall got quiet and everyone looked at him like he was an alien. He now knows what greens are -- he can never forget.
   
3. James and i had fun last weekend in Texas, but it did make us appreciate a few things about Oklahoma (you never really appreciate what you got till you don't have it for a while):
   -- Smoke-free restaurants. I never realized how nice it was that Okiehoma restaurants are smoke free, until we were sitting at a Texas Chili's trying to enjoy our meal via burning eyes and the taste of Newports in our throats. ick! I was so confused when the hostess asked "Smoking or non-smoking?"
   
   --street signs that are easy to read. Maybe it's just a Waco thing, or maybe we are just dumb. But i think it's way easier to get around Okiehoma than Texas. Once you get off I-35, you are kinda SOL -- or at least we were. Mapquest and our android GPS didn't even know how to get us around Waco. But we figured it out.
   
   --good radio stations. Maybe i'd enjoy Texas stations if i was in to country, Spanish music, or (even worse) spanish country, but I'M NOT. The minute we crossed the border, the music went to crap. For goodness sakes, Beyonce is from Houston, so why is it so hard to find a station that allows me to drop it like it's hot while i drive?
   
4. I'm not gonna lie: I'm pretty excited about seeing Mike "The Situation" on Dancing with the Stars. I hope he dances shirt-less. Say what you want about Jersey Shore and "The Situation" but there's no denying that the boy's abs are fantabulous. He's no James, but it aint bad!
   
5. What is ReRe jamming this week? Well, i'm not usually a fan of Maroon 5, but i'm loving the song "Misery"
   

James and Sam Malone are like this!

James and i spent the past weekend in Waco, Texas watching some great folks get hitched. It was a nice get-away, even though Texas interstates (or maybe it's just Waco streets) confused the beejesus out of us.

In perfect James fashion, our weekend got started off with some funny as we were getting ready to hit the road:

James: I'm gonna use some of your black girl shampoo so my hair can look all good for Dallas.
ReRe: We aren't going to Dallas. We are going to Waco. That's like saying you are getting all prettied up for Halle Berry, but you are really going out with Whoopi.
James: If Whoopi's good enough for Ted Danson, she's good enough for me.

(glad to know my boy has standards!)